Midnight Reflections

There is a reason why I feel so intensely and why I get so annoyed with people who have wronged me.

No longer existing is inevitable.

We never know. Nothing is ever promised. It annoys me that I am the only person that sees it this way. The reason why I try to make things work with people so much is because I don’t want to regret it the day they are no longer around permanently. 

So when I beg people who I have loved to do something, say something or risk something, I get angry when they don’t. Why? Because what if I’m no longer here and they say ‘damn I should’ve taken the risk of bruising my ego to message her, call her or beg for her forgiveness.’ I am also not going to be the only one seeking reasoning and looking a fool. 

It doesn’t make sense to me. Why wait ‘til you regret it? Personally, I would rather embarrass myself trying and take the risk of bruising my ego once than living with a lifetime of pain ‘cause I regret not doing so.

Take this as a damn sign or lesson. If you are reading this blog as a nosy person who has wronged me, wants dirt on me, to laugh at me or if you feel any of this for someone out there, for once in your life just do something. This generation has ruined the art of sincere apologies and authentic forgiveness. 

Why not beg for one last conversation? Even if you are denied the request, what is truly the harm to your precious pride? It’s ridiculous, truly! Can somebody please tell me what the harm is in just calling someone? In messaging someone a simple ‘hey I was around the neighborhood and was wondering if we could go grab a coffee and talk? There are some things I’d like to say.’ 

Old friends and old memories are getting thrown away and rehashed the second the last breath of life slips. We think life is forever and it is not. Do something. Say something. Risk something. Bruise your ego. Stop biting your tongue. Send that message. Let it all out. Make the call. Send the ‘happy birthday.’ Tell them you’re sorry. Admit you’re a fool, a coward and immature. Spam their phone with apologies. Tell them you love them one last time even if they don’t say it back. Tell them everything you didn’t say. Tell them everything you couldn’t say before but can say now. Tell them everything you’d want to say before it is too late. Get out of the shadows. Stop hiding. Be valiant. 

We bury our childhood pets in the gardens we once ran across so why bury our thoughts in the gardens of our minds? Let them roam freely.

Sometimes I tend to think about people from the past that I once loved. I wonder why they are so fine with existing without me. There are so many more things to say to each other. Why not say them? Can anger and hatred really cloud what once was the greatest love? 

The things I wished my ex best friends would do just for a conversation with me. I have always been open to speaking with someone I have wronged (which is nobody) or has wronged me (every single one of my ‘enemies’). They treat me as some evil entity. I know I was a vicious dog that used to bark but that’s not me anymore. I don’t need a muzzle to remain calm.

Past lovers, best friends, family members, situationships, failed friendships, all people that reserved some right to come back for a final conversation.

My ex best friend moved away and I wish she would have told me. It broke my heart seeing that ‘For Sale’ sign outside her house. I don’t know where she stays now and that cuts. Things like this really anger me because why couldn’t you just call?

Does stubbornness really take away the love we had for one another? She could have told me she was leaving. Even if I didn’t care, she still could have told me. She should have told me. It all circles back to the beginning of this post.

We never know so let your pride go. 

A veces lo veo en el sentido del canción ‘BOKeTE by Bad Bunny.’ 

One day you’re going to get old. You’ll be a grandma or a grandpa. You’re going to look back and regret every day you let pass by that you didn’t apologize to someone, message someone, write a letter to someone, call someone or set aside your pride for someone. It won’t fall on anyone else but you. 

The longer you go without reaching out to someone the more misery you set yourself up for in the future. It’ll be a bokete in your life if you don’t.

Do something.

Say something.

Risk something.

Lose something.

Choose something.

Speak now.

-A