Midnight Reflections

Do you ever just look at photos from when you were younger and want to hug her? Lately, I have.

I wish I could’ve done things differently. I wish I wasn’t so naive at sixteen. I wish I could tell her so much. 

I know she’d be so proud of me. 

She’d love the woman I’ve become. 

I wish I could tell her everything we’ve been through. I wish I could tell her she isn’t stupid for making one choice that she thought would grant her a lifetime of happiness. I wish I could hold her while she cried because I know she’d bawl knowing all the hell we’ve been through. 

I’d want to tell her she’s more than enough. I want to tell her that she doesn’t need to starve herself to maintain her figure, especially not for a stupid boy. I’d want to tell her that her body is a sacred temple. Her body is perfect. I know it now but I don’t think she did at the time. 

I wish I could tell her that her sweet, angelic boyfriend was actually a psychotic, conniving, evil, weird piece of shit. She probably wouldn’t believe me. I couldn’t believe it either. She’d ask how. I wish I could tell her to check his phone and leave him. I wish I could tell her to not wait for his bum ass. I wish I could tell her it was all a lie. I wish I could tell her he cheated on us. I wish I could tell her that he said he wouldn’t feel anything if she broke up with him. He said that after three years of us fighting to be with him. I wish I could tell her he was useless and never fought for us. I wish I could tell her that he got a handjob from a twenty-five year old woman four months post-break up after being together for three years. I wish I could tell her it took other women on him for him to realize we were the one all along. I wish I could tell her how he robbed her of her virginity and made rape jokes about it that he denies ever making. I wish I could tell her being forced to arch during doggy even after telling him it hurts is not normal. I wish I could tell her that he jerks off to photos of women’s titties when she’s not around. I wish I could tell her to hide our sisters from him. Creep.

I wish I could tell her none of these things are her fault and he’s just a fucking weirdo. I wish I could tell her to not even give a fuck about what his family or anybody says ‘cause they don’t even know a third of it. I wish I could tell her to never be with him. 

I could sob just thinking about her reaction. 

She would never believe me. She thought she was so happy. She thought she could never be happier. There are so many important things I wish I could say to my younger self. It’s okay though because we are no longer involved with that creep.

I wish I could tell her we found way better than that airhead. We’re safe now.

I wish I could tell her that our life is not about him, though. I wish I could tell her we accomplished so much even while being with him and especially while being apart from him. All he did was stop us from unleashing our amazing potential. 

We got our license and our car. We got a job that we actually enjoy. We gained friends and lost the bad ones. We got on the highway. We built a better bond with our sisters and that’s so special to me. We are so close to achieving our academic goals. We actually got on a plane and plan on doing so again soon.

You get to go out wherever you want and do whatever you want. The barbz are way up and better than ever. You are better than ever.

We embraced turning twenty. We are actually glad to not be a teenager anymore.  We’re so brave, we actually got surgery for the first time. Did you know you’re practically immune to numbing? Took nine syringes to numb you when it typically takes three to four. You’re a beast. 

We’re getting a tattoo, isn’t that so cool? You’d like the inspo I have. Appointment is confirmed and we’re so ready. 

We got different color hoops for our piercing and also studs. Our appearance is looking better than ever. We look really hot. I think even you’d be attracted to the way we look now. We are extremely confident now.

Did you know you take pills easily now? Who would’ve thought?

You were so scared of getting older but we’re doing so great. We are happy, healthy and strong. We locked in with our new year’s resolutions and we’re building our dream body. 

We’re not angry anymore. We no longer dwell on the past. We saw our ex in public and felt nothing. You are healed. You are doing great. I’m taking good care of us. Everything is okay now. 

You always had the potential to be great and to love yourself. It kills me that you thought you were never good enough, especially for that ugly naked mole rat. Oh and by the way, he got fat and has a receding hairline so don’t even worry about him. Karma is getting him real good these days. Besides that, it hurts that you think you’re ugly.

You were never ugly. You just never saw yourself for what you were and surrounded yourself with people who didn’t see it either. You’re not stupid for falling in love. You’re not alone. Talk to someone. Tell a sister. You can.

Don’t starve yourself because you feel unworthy. Look at us. We’re fucking amazing. We’re stunning. We’re so breathtaking. Everybody that has ever wronged you is literally ugly as shit. Feeling ugly is not something ‘normal’ that happens when you fall in love.

I know that now. I don’t feel ugly right now. I know I have so much beauty. I always did. We always did.

I love my sixteen year old self. We were always so much more than boys and Instagram models.

So to my sixteen year old self,

I’m taking good care of us. Don’t stress. Don’t worry. You’re doing the best you can. You’re young. I’ll deal with the consequences of your actions. I’m strong enough to do so.

I don’t want to say goodbye but I must. Twenty is a new book for us and we’ve always known this.

But before I leave you in the past, you must know something. Your love. Our love. The love we give these stupid boys, is so beautiful. Don’t stop. Trusting and loving should never be a fear of ours. We can go through so many heartbreaks, pain and trauma but that should never stop us from trusting and loving again. Our future husband will appreciate us for not giving up on love. Love is real and it’s not a boy who thirsts over Leah Kateb, girls from high school or what appears to be incest and thought we wouldn’t find out.

Love is the love we give. Love exists because we exist and we’re so full of it. We love passionately. We are selfless, passionate lovers. We’ve always given it our all and some day the favor will be returned.

You’re not behind just for loving a waste of human air.

And as much as I hate it and regret it, love that stupid boy. Time is irreversible so just give him your all like you always do. He’s not worth it but you’ll find someone who is. But afterwards, let him live is miserable, pathetic life. His life was only ever flourished when you were in it, trust me. Y que no te da pena. Quien queda con el se drena. Sometimes you have to waste love to find real love. You don’t know if you don’t try.

You’re not crazy, you’re passionate.

I’ll find us someone who doesn’t have a wandering eye. I’ll find a real man for us. A man who sees us for all we’re worth. We’ll be secured and safe eventually. We’re not perfect so we’ll have screw ups here and there but that’s part of living. We’re in good hands because the important thing about trusting is trusting yourself.

I love and trust myself.

–A