Midnight Reflections

For so long, I limited myself to one true love and as I get older I realize how unfair that is to myself. I was so sure I wanted to stay stuck in a singular relationship my entire life. Some have good luck with that. I looked at the sky and begged for it to be me.  

Long story short, it wasn’t.

I’ve been navigating my love life as best as possible. Doing so has felt like being lost in a labyrinth of my heart and mind. My love life wasn’t well for years but I think now I have a mature enough conscience to begin again someday. 

I used to hate the idea of finding another love. I wanted so desperately for my first love and first everything to be not only my last but my enternity. As I get older, I’m beginning to see that there is so much purity and beauty in second, third, or even eighth love.

I now see that your first love serves you a lesson and teaches you how to love the right way. I think I’ve grasped the lecture and am ready for the final. 

I used to wonder why loving me was the greatest insult. 

I’m giggling as I think about how there’s someone out there with a degrading kink who will adore loving me enough to be insulted. I’m being metaphorical, laugh. 

I used to be so afraid of sleeping with someone other than the person who stole my innocence. It was the greatest fear of mine. Intimacy has always been the greatest fear of mine. Not anymore. Why should it be? Tomorrow isn’t promised. Life is all about experiencing and a new love will just equal me living. 

I am under self-obligation to allow love, healing and happiness. I can heal while also loving and receiving love. Prosperity is the greatest gift and can be greater when given by a selfless lover. I used to wonder why guys I’ve dated typically wanted a girlfriend and didn’t want to be boyfriends. It took a while for me to come to the conclusion that I wasn’t the problem.

I know I have my flaws. I’m a damn twenty year old woman so of course I’m far from perfect; but with my love I’ll make you feel like you are. 

I feel like there’s something special in that. I know I wasn’t the greatest lover back then but I can own up to that. I can own up to my previous mistakes. I’ve learned a lot, though. I had my lessons and I’m ready to love someone properly. My anger, mood swings and constant need for attention isn’t what it used to be anymore. I’ve fixed myself. I fixed myself because I want to deserve love. I fixed myself because my future husband is out there and he deserves my love to its greatest potential.

I know I always did deserve love. I just want someone to feel like I deserve it too. It’s a sad thing to admit but this blog is meant for honesty and raw feelings. I’ll be honest. 

For years I felt like I was unworthy, undeserving and not enough for anybody. For anything. For love. Yes, I’ll admit I had ex-boyfriends in the past that made me feel that way but being single has helped me regain strength and confidence. I look at myself and I know I can now confidently say what I deserve.

In the end, I didn’t get what I wanted. I didn’t get the typical high school sweetheart romance. I didn’t marry my first love. I’m never going to marry my first love. I’m not going to name my kids the names we had planned out since I was sixteen. And since we’re being so honest, I’m not marrying the only person I’ve ever had sex with. I’m not marrying the guy that drove me to insanity since seventh grade. I didn’t get what I always longed for. I didn’t get the guy my heart always yearned and burned for. I didn’t get ‘the one.’ 

It’s such a cruel and harsh reality. It’s the hardest reality I’ve ever faced. Though it’s sad to admit I didn’t get any of that, I’ve grown enough to know that doesn’t matter. Other people’s win’s are not my losses. Love is a journey. 

It took a lot of healing to remind myself their loss is losing me and my win is losing them. Even if it hurts. Even if it doesn’t feel that way. Even if there were times I wanted to lose just to have them. Break-ups happen every day, you don’t have to lose it. 

There’s a quote that I now abide by.

“Mientras uno está vivo, uno debe amar lo más que pueda.”

I wear it around my heart and keep it on my sleeve. You only live this life once and it’s important to love as much as you can, while you can. May the next lover of mine appreciate the effort and attentiveness I give them. Just because the person you wanted couldn’t appreciate your heart doesn’t mean the next person that wants you doesn’t deserve the chance to appreciate it.

I must say, as a twenty-year-old woman who recently experienced the ‘loss’ of her first love, it does get better. I met him when I was fifteen so it was a weird discomfort when I finally came to the realization that I must live my entire life without him now. However, after allowing my thoughts to escape and roam freely, I’ve found the beauty in first love. 

Here’s the thing about first love romances. They’re your first for a reason. They aren’t your last for an even better reason. Though it hurts and God knows how much it really fucking hurt, it is not the end of your life. It is surely nothing to end your life over. 

What people don’t tell you is that there is beauty in the person you meet after your first love. Whoever they may be and whenever you realize they’re your ‘amar de nuevo,’ they will be the person that loves you while you heal. They accept your baggage and carry it like a dolly so that the weight is off you for good. 

I don’t have much insight on second love, blog. I have yet to find such a romance. I know I will. It’ll come to me. I can only assume that it’s better than your first and couldn’t be any better than your last. 

However, there are some things that come with second love that I’ve learned while being single.

Nobody prepares you for going from being sixteen and in love to twenty and lost in the depths of your dating life. For so long, my ex-boyfriend was all I had ever known. I knew how he took his coffee. I knew how he looked when he was tired and stressed. I knew little, silly things like if he was a burper or a farter. I knew the sounds he would make when we were intimate. I knew his shoe size. I knew all his type of sizes, if you know what I mean. I knew he was hard of hearing so I had to speak louder when with him. I knew which ear to speak into so he could hear me better. I knew about his trauma and how it affected him and how I could help nurture that part of him. I knew he was a cat lover and sorta hated dogs. I knew his favorite rappers, artists and his favorite songs. I knew why certain songs had a different meaning to him and why. 

What I’m saying is, it is so weird knowing someone since you were fifteen and waking up as a twenty-year-old and getting to know someone else. And though I do not know that person anymore, that is the memorabilia I have of that person. Nobody prepares you for that drastic transition. So as your big sister on this blog who is just as confused as you, open your ears. 

Every young girl needs to hear this. Don’t spend your youth losing yourself in a boy who is lost himself. If you do, one day you’ll wake up and you’ll be twenty and you won’t even know who the hell you are. You know what he’ll know though? He’ll have himself figured out because he didn’t lose himself getting to know you, he got lost knowing himself. 

You can’t spend your youth confused. You have to take action with your confusion.

Now that I know myself, I know second love will be ready for me because I am ready. I can now see that there is a major difference in knowing somebody entirely and having to learn everything about somebody else. I have to relearn someone’s trauma, sounds they make, pet peeves, if they’re a cat or dog person, childhood trauma and what their life was like in school. This can be an annoying thought but once you feel you are ready, it’s exciting.

Like yes, tell me what Dylan did to you in elementary school during recess. Yes, tell me about your family dynamic and who is who. Yes, tell me about your childhood pet that you adored so much. Yes, tell me about your fuck ass ex who cheated on you. Tell me about that time you scraped your knee so bad at recess your teacher had to carry you to the nurse’s office. Tell me what your friends are like and who’s the dumbest of the group. 

Tell me everything because I want to touch your heart the way the spark in your eye touched mine. I could fall in love with every breath you take in between each sentence, don’t stop talking. Show me your scars so I can trace my one way ticket to your soul. Clean my glasses with the fabric of your shirt so I can fall in love with the view of your aura more clearly. Blue has always been my favorite color since the womb but suddenly the beaming light surrounding you has taken the gold medal. I want to keep my glasses on even while I sleep so I can see you perfectly in my dreams. If you take me for being over dramatic and loyal, I’ll teach you how forever feels. Who wouldn’t kill to not only have me but keep me happy? Who wouldn’t die to feel my deep, unconditional love?

I’m a yearner at heart, you just have to long and fight for my perception of you. Though that goes without saying getting this girl won’t be an easy battle. If a man manages to make me fall in love, just know he earned a seat next to me at every table with our legs intertwined underneath.

I must admit, I can’t wait to experience second love. I could fall in love, it’s always been in me. When that lovebug catches up to me, I know it’ll be worth all the heartache I experienced. The more I write about beginning again someday, the more I feel like my future lover is lucky to have someone like me loving them. 

There is more to life than just one love and I can’t wait for my little love. I know loving again exists because I love myself again. 

-A