Midnight Reflections

I ruined too many friendships by confessing my true feelings. It all ended terribly but I’d say it was pretty worth it. Every relationship I ever got myself into was all because of me. It was always me chasing and confessing. However, there’s one friendship I left untouched that sometimes I regret. 

My first ever best friend.

So many moments we laid up in their bed, cuddling, holding hands and laying on top one another. I sometimes wonder what would’ve happened if I had just kissed them anyway. 

Out of all friendships I could’ve possibly ruined, I never ruined the one friendship I wanted to ruin the most. And they’ll never know how in love with them I was. They’ll never know what they truly meant to me and they’ll never want to know. They’ll never care about me the way I did them. They’ll never care about this now that they’re in a relationship. They treated me like shit but man oh man I would’ve done anything to breathe their air. 

Staying friends is safe, doesn’t mean you should. 

Now they run off, live their life and hate me for ruining the friendship in a different way. I never ruined it in any way. I’ll never be apart of their life again. If I had though, I know how I would’ve loved to. Would it have made a difference? Would they have even felt the same way towards me? I guess I’ll never ever know now that we don’t talk. I knew they had some form of envy towards me. That doesn’t matter to me sometimes, though. 

Should’ve kissed you anyway. 

I wonder what would’ve become of us if I had just told you what I really felt. If I had just confessed I didn’t care about the numerous boys I had on my roster. One word from you would’ve silenced me forever. It was always you my heart truly yearned for this entire time. 

“My advice is always ruin the friendship 

Better that than regret it for all time 

And my advice is always answer the question

Better that than to ask it all your life.” 

Another thing me and Taylor Swift agree on. Please, ruin the friendship. Don’t go your whole life wondering what would’ve happened if you had just kissed them. Don’t spend time dwelling on the endless questions that’ll forever go unanswered.

I don’t need this person in my life, but they were the only person who could’ve made me settle for a life I’d never choose now. May your jealousy possess you to confess your love rather than sit in silence in another relationship. Don’t settle for a person you’re not totally in love with. Don’t keep your best friend around just to hold onto a piece of them. Yearn and find out if you can get all of them. 

What’s the harm in ruining a friendship? If it’s not meant to be, it won’t be. You’ll never know if you don’t pluck up the courage to answer the question.

Moral of the story, I’m glad they’re not in my life. I just can’t help but wonder what would’ve happened if I had ruined the friendship just once.

-A