Midnight Reflections

I had a whole story ready to be published as my final goodbye to my ex-boyfriend on this blog.

After careful consideration, I realized there truly is nothing more to say. I have chosen peace within myself. I have chosen to forget about his existence and to destroy every trace of our relationship. He has chosen to do the same.

He is moving on and so am I. He is happy where he is and I am happy where I am too. There is nothing I can say to stab him where it hurts. I was never a thought on his mind and he will never be a thought on mine. We are forever strangers and ended our relationship the same month it began. 

There is no need for me to have a single thought about him. I don’t care about him and he showed he clearly does not care about me. That is fine. He is his own person. I am my own person. We are not each others person anymore. That is perfectly fine. He didn’t choose me. I don’t choose him. We are both grown enough to accept our indifference. We are long over. 

This is the last time I will speak indirectly to our past together on this blog. 

You took a lot of energy from me but I’ve regained my strength and can now say this. I don’t know if loving you was an error but this year I let you go and this December I’ll do so entirely. I wasn’t sure if this was over in October but I’ve let you go now. I waited long gruesome months for you but you wanted to fly away. You did a lot of damage to me without caring how it would make me feel.

Only we know what went on during our relationship. Only we know where we both went wrong, where we were right, and where what we felt was real. Only we know what we were like as a couple. Only we know why you were terrible for me. There’s nothing more that needs to be confirmed. You already knew damn well for you I would’ve ruined myself a million little times and I did. You already know how you made me feel. You already know I gave you everything and you gave me nothing. 

There’s no need to be angry, send subliminal messages, be petty or hold a grudge. There was beauty in what we had because only we know what it was like to love each other as kids. All you want from me now is the green light of forgiveness. 

I will never forgive you or so much as look at you fondly for numerous reasons than what you think. You believe I cannot be with you for what you did when we were broken up but truth be told that only pushed me into thinking about everything you did to me during the relationship.

However, I have enough restraint to let it go in peace.

I had journal entries meant to be given to you in the event of a break-up but opted not to, seeing as we didn’t end on good terms. My younger self and journal entries must accept this because I have. I’m letting it all go because there’s nothing else I should give. I already gave it my all.

There’s a way to look back without getting lost in the past. You wronged me. I know it. You know it. Everybody else knows it. But rehearsing my grievances won’t change our ending. I’m taking the lesson and dropping the grudge. 

I refuse to remain haunted by the look in my eyes that would’ve loved you for a lifetime. And I refuse to dwell on us any longer because it was you that threw the first patch of dirt in our relationship’s grave. I can’t make it go away by making you a villain.

I don’t wish you good nor bad. I am an adult and can recognize there was happiness during you and there has been after you, vice versa. I’m leaving it all behind, and there is happiness. 

Goodbye, Zac and so long, North Carolina.

-A