Midnight Reflections

Your biggest mistake wasn’t letting me go. 

Your biggest mistake was thinking you were better than me, more attractive than me and more successful than me. Your ego was built on my tears and now that I have no more to shed on a low-life like you, your empire will collapse. All that will be left with you is the reflection of guilt that walks within your shadow, following you everywhere you go, forever. 

You can’t escape me. You can’t get rid of me. I took the fire escape out of your life but everywhere you go will be a dead end street with all signs pointing to me. You’ll stay lost forever. I don’t say this to taunt you. I say this as the stone cold truth that your friend’s undeveloped frontal lobes can’t tell you. 

You’ll never get away from the sound of the woman that loved you. I’ll follow you down ‘til the sound of my voice will haunt you. 

You were lost when I wormed my way into your life. I helped you find yourself, discover your interests, broadened your music taste even more, introduced you to rich foods, and most importantly helped you unravel the deepest parts of your soul. Now that I’m gone, now that you’ve gotten rid of me, you’ll remained lost forever. 

I know I could have loved you but you would not let me.

You’ll see me behind you in the river banks reflection each time you stare into it. You’ll try to find my glistening eyes in your daughter’s but won’t because she won’t share my DNA. Imagine all your favorite features of mine, mixed with another man’s and put into a creation you didn’t take part in. You’ll look for me on the sidewalks we used to walk on. You’ll see me every time you stumble across my favorite shades of blue. You’ll search in every maiden’s bed for something greater. Your new girl will be my clone. 

Time cast its spell on you, but you won’t forget me. 

You’re gonna wish you never had met me and it won’t be because of all the things I’ve done to you that I’ve taken accountability for but for your own sanity because you’ll spend eternity missing me. You’ll wish for your mind to go back to being sane but it won’t ’cause the only relaxant you had was me. As the good person I am, I hope you find peace for yourself, alcohol won’t fill the void. 

And as much as I hate you, I used to unfortunately love you. I used to love you a lot. I used to love you so much so that I would’ve sacrificed myself for your sins. Because I used to love you, the empathetic part of me hopes you learn to put down the alcohol. I knew the moment you turned twenty-one there would be no saving you. I knew you’d be gone, dead behind the eyes forever. 

I was unfortunately right. I know you’re not the sharpest tool in the shed. It’s a scary sight seeing nothing going on in a grown man’s head but it’s a sight everybody sees looking at you. It’s sad.

Nonetheless, I hope my other predictions about what you do with your sorry life aren’t right. I don’t wish you the worst despite you thinking I do. All I wish for is for you to save yourself the way I did. 

You’ll turn into a mad scientist with no degree, searching for ways to create a carbon copy of me. You’ll have no tortured poet to experiment on because I was never your invention to control. No woman will look at you with the same love I did because even I can’t look at you the same anymore. If she’s got dark hair I will surmise that you’ll probably date her. You’re so vain. You probably think this blog post is about you. 

I can’t be mad at you, though. I was right about that much. I could never stay mad at you. Even after all the absolute bullshit you put me through, I am not mad at you. I know you think I am. How could I be, though? 

Why would I be mad at you for setting me free for good? 

You tossed me into the arms of another man, a better man. And when that better man finds me, you’ll finally rue the day you let me go. I’m going to be even happier than what you thought I was with you someday. I’m going to be in love. He’s going to take me on special, planned dates. He’s going to go all out for our anniversary’s. He’s going to fight for me and defend me. He’s going to make me a girlfriend instead of expecting me to be the boyfriend. He’s going to buy me my first drink when I turn 21. He’s going to take me to new places. He’s going to ensure we travel everywhere together.

I must thank you for ruining your life in order to save mine. You’ll hate your life because I won’t be in it and I’ll love mine because you’re not in it. In a way, I’m so glad you did what you did with that woman. I know you think that’s why I cannot be with you anymore but truth be told, that was only the push. I needed you to do that. I needed you to push me into thinking about everything you did to me thoroughly. It really helped me realize I don’t deserve being with a terrible boy like you. I don’t deserve being bounded to a life with a carbon copy of your father. I deserve a real love story.

I’m excited to fall in love the right way. The real way. I know I will. I know there’s a man out there that will appreciate everything you didn’t. I feel it. I feel it coming. ‘Til now, I’ll thrive knowing I am free from a life I would never choose again. A life in solitary confinement which equals to a life trapped in a tower with you. I’m fresh out the slammer.

If you have to question ‘was life with me really that bad?’ then you’re clearly not fully done reflecting. I doubt you ever will be. Don’t take this personal, but you’re the worst, you know what you’ve done to me. Life with you was like a life serving in a communist’s army. I don’t even know how I fully escaped you. I’m a soldier returning half her weight. I deserve a medal for that. You’re a danger to my heart and nervous system. I will never look back at you. I am not low enough to eat out of the trash. I refuse to do so.

My heart will remain breakable but not by the same hand twice. 

You went to drugs here and there to help soothe your mind but you’ll go through withdrawals everyday without your favorite drug alongside you. Me. However, nothing can soothe your heart because you don’t have one. I have it. 

I was not only willing to change and fix myself for you, I did. I did change and fix myself. I repaired everything you put a bandaid on because I wanted to give you the happiest and healthiest relationship. I felt you deserved that. It wasn’t you who did though, it was me. You couldn’t even meet me halfway. You made it seem like meeting me in the middle was the equivalent of walking the wall of China.

Luckily, fixing myself was what I needed to love myself genuinely.

You can remember all the bad parts of me all you want and tell your friends, family or next girl about how crazy I could be at times. That’s fine by me, just as long as you don’t get to see the best version of myself which is now. You had the opportunity of a lifetime and blew it. Go ahead, see me for my flaws, they were only ever yours to see; but don’t forget how loud and proud I was about having a man child like you by my side. 

You’ll live with regret as you go on with life slowly realizing I’m harder to forget than I was to leave. I know my pain was such an imposition to you therefore I grant you a life free of me. Go. Have fun doing whatever and whoever because I don’t live under your roof anymore. The woman who sits by the window has turned off the lights.

Adiós, you’re not bilingual but you should know goodbye means that you’re losing me for life. You know good and well this new decade of mine along with this new year means every trace of you will be destroyed like you meant absolutely nothing to me. The same way you destroyed me. 

Don’t ever doubt for a second that I can’t do it. I’m a woman of my word and actions, something you wouldn’t know much about. You’re only upset and confused because you’re so used to that little girl who would believe any word you say in a heartbeat. I won’t forgive you after a minute of half-assed apologies that you don’t even mean.

I’m not that girl anymore.

Time cast a spell on you but you won’t forget me. 

-A