Midnight Reflections

Taking time to myself has given me the opportunity to think. I think a lot. I’ll overthink or under-think but I think. I like to think about what I have to heal myself for. My first love. Can I really call him that? I guess I can if we’re being technical. 

I like to think and ask myself questions I can’t even answer. 

Some things I’ve asked myself so far is: 

‘Why did you stay for so long?’

‘Why did you let him do that?’

‘Why didn’t I see the signs earlier?’ 

‘Why didn’t I leave when he did blank?’

‘Why did I allow him to treat me that way?’

‘Why did I tolerate all of that disrespect?’

But I actually gifted myself the answers this December. 

Because that’s what you do when you love somebody. 

When you truly love somebody unconditionally, you allow them to use every ounce of you. Energy, body, mental, and emotional power is all being sucked out of you because you love them. It all comes back to love. Loving someone is like loving a parasite. They absorb everything you have left in you to give.

But it only feels like a parasite if you find yourself with a selfish lover.

You allow someone to treat you poorly because you love them. You take care of them even when they’re killing you because you love them. You protect them even when they’re lowering your defenses because you love them. You admire them even when they’re mirroring everything you stand against because you love them. 

“We go ‘round again, we jump back in bed, that’s what you do when you love somebody.“

Kissing them after they threw up? That’s what you do when you love somebody. Holding them while they cry about hurting you? That’s what you do when you love somebody. Cuddling them til they fall sleep after they made you cry? That’s what you do when you love somebody. Taking care of them ‘cause they had a bad day and completely disregarding yours? That’s what you do when you love somebody. Breathing in their pheromones? That’s what you do when you love somebody. Listening to them talk about their interests that annoy you? That’s what you do when you love somebody. Taking care of them when they’re sick or drunk off their ass? That’s what you do when you love somebody. Allowing them to inflict pain on you? That’s what you do when you love somebody. 

“These bad omens, I look right through them, that’s what you do when you love somebody.”

But once you come to realize that the more pain they inflict equals the more mental damage it causes, you break free.

It’s a way of saying goodbye. It’s a formal goodbye to all these bad omens.

I am not condoning any form of abuse. I am delivering a message about what love does to you. You give and you give and you give and they take. At some point in your life you’ll realize this is not normal. Slowly but surely, you’ll signal that it’s time to go but because you love them so much you’ll wonder why. If I wait for you, it’ll never be me. If I move on, it’ll never be you.

Why am I so ready to leave this person I love? 

Because that’s what you do when you love somebody

else.

Yourself.

-A