Midnight Reflections

I loved you so loudly and proudly. Despite the drastic change in your character, I saw what Padme saw in Anakin. It was what I told everyone I knew.

There’s good in him. I know there’s still good in him. 

I don’t know you, so I won’t talk much about the boy you are now at this very moment. However, from what I do know about you, I’m disappointed.

“Don’t say it isn’t fair 

You clearly weren’t aware that you made me miserable.” 

I let it be known to the entire world that I loved you and only you. 

I wore my ‘J’ locket for my senior portraits. I wore a handmade beaded ‘Jason’ bracelet everyday from sophomore year to senior year. I plastered you all over my social media. I included a photo of you in my senior year newspaper story because I felt grateful to have a friend in you. I included you in my staff bio for my newpaper club because I really thought we were going to get married. I put an ‘army wife’ sticker on my Hydroflask. I put a very expensive military boots patch on my very expensive letterman jacket. I still want my money back for that by the way. All of this because I thought we were going to last a lifetime. 

What did you do? 

You couldn’t even bother to put picture frames of us up in your room like I did. You couldn’t even bother to post me. You couldn’t even bother to wear the ring I gave you on Christmas on your wedding finger. Hearing what you’ve told me about your actions, I see why you never put up picture frames, posted me or wore that damn ring. I knew it. I always knew you’d do this the second you weren’t as happy as the old you would’ve been when I gifted you that ring. I can only assume so much these days. You didn’t want old ass women to see you as unavailable. I can only imagine you slipping the ring off as soon as you walked in the same room as her. 

Silly me, I take that back. I bet you never even had it on to begin with. 

I was foolish for ever thinking an army man could ever grant me the bare minimum of loyalty. Because that’s what you are. Nothing special, just a regular army boy.

Maybe you hadn’t touched another, spoken to another or thought of another but now I’m convinced you gained a wandering eye when I was gone. 

Maybe what my friends said was right. Maybe you were capable of infidelity. I don’t know what you’re capable of anymore these days. Maybe you’re even capable of hurting me. Clearly you are. 

Someone from my past recently broke no contact with me. He told me he heard from a mutual I had a boyfriend and was very happy for me when he found out. He said the mutual told him I was very happy and my boyfriend seemed like a great guy.

It was a dagger to my tortured heart. 

I had to tell him we were no longer together. Not because I wanted anything romantic but because it was the sad truth. That ‘great guy’ wasn’t as great as everyone thought he was. He only looked great because I made him look that way. 

I didn’t know what to even tell him, though.

What do I even say about you? I used to glaze you. Look what we became, Zac. Look at what you’ve done. I used to tell people we broke up mutually because we grew apart and that I still had love for you and wished you the best. I don’t feel that way anymore. I hate you. I don’t want to but I do. I know you don’t want me to but I do, Zac. However, I can’t bring myself to embarrass myself any further by telling someone during a one on one conversation that my ex-boyfriend betrayed me the way he promised he never would.

“And I don’t talk shit about you on the internet 

Never told anyone anything bad

‘Cause that shits embarrassing 

You were my everything and all that you did was make me fucking sad.” 

You’ve turned to the dark side like Darth Vader and grouped yourself with the rest of the piece of shit men (siths). You were the chosen one of my heart and soul. It was said you would destroy the Sith, not join them. Bring balance to the force not leave it in darkness.

I hate you.

You are no better than those ‘friends’ you surround yourself with that are only useful to you when you’re on the toilet throwing up or begging to be touched. God knows what you did the day of our three year anniversary when you spent the entire night getting black out drunk with God knows who instead of spending it with me. God knows what your friends easily persuaded you to do that night that was way more important than me and our milestone that I accomplished, not you. 

Who even are you, Zac? Do you even know who you are?

You are the typical army man. The same typical army man I told people not to imagine when they thought of you. 

“You call me again, drunk in your Benz

Driving home under the influence 

You scared me to death but I’m wasting my breath 

‘Cause you only listen to your fucking friends

I don’t relate to you

I don’t relate to you, no

‘Cause I’d never treat me this shitty.”

I didn’t want to break your heart or let you go. You did that to yourself.

I’m not going to be petty. I’m so over it. I’m so over giving you all the negative energy I can give. What’s the point? You’ll never change. Not for me. Not for yourself. Not for anybody.

You will remain the smallest man who ever lived. Nothing I do or say will hit you where it hurts. That’s ok. I’ve accepted you are no longer Anakin Skywalker and will remain Darth Vader for the rest of your life. 

The dark side is where you belong. I can’t help but wonder though.

Tell me, what good will those ‘friends’ and escorts serve you when you no longer carry the title of a soldier? Who will welcome you home with open arms? Who will help you get situated in real adulthood by finding a real job, paying bills and independence from your parents? I’m not saying you can’t do it. You’ve proven you’re perfectly fine without me and I can’t be mad about that. I’m only curious as to what you think will happen when you’re back home. 

Who will tell you there is still good in you without a Padme or Luke by your side? Why surround yourself with Siths? You’ve seen the trilogy, you know the damage that causes.

You are damaged and I’m not saying that to kill, I’m saying it as the girl who was once sixteen and in love with you. She cared about you. She wanted what was best for you. She is morally concerned and scared for you. You need help. 

I saw your mental health decline over the course of two years. You do things like hook up with random women and you think I don’t notice? I have loved you since I was sixteen years old, you think I don’t see every side of you? You think I don’t notice when you’re not ok? You think I don’t notice when you’re in need of help and counseling? 

I notice everything.

I waited for you. That sixteen year old girl is still at the restaurant waiting for you. She is waiting for you to show up and deliver your promises. 

When I tell you to get your shit together in a poetic way on this blog it is not for me. You and I are through. You no longer need to fight for me. We will never be together again. That’s fine with me because it was fine with you. I gave you everything and you didn’t give me anything in return. You are not an empath, I know that. For three years I put myself in your shoes and you never put yourself in mine.

However, if you cannot change for yourself then find the heart to change for that poor baby whose heart is still waiting for yours to match its rhythm. She still wants you to be ok. She still wants you to find yourself. You are lost and long gone. 

You can still bring peace and balance to the force if you just take your mask off and reveal who you truly are.

I’m gone. Your Padme is gone. Do this for yourself and the good she saw in you. Let it be known to the world that you love yourself enough to fix yourself.

She still thinks there is good in you. You can break my heart all you want, it’s not yours to break anymore. Just give my sixteen year old self’s heart mercy.

My sixteen year old self’s heart still thinks there is good in you.

-A