Midnight Reflections

Love is so weird and absolutely embarrassing. I can never truly understand myself so how can anybody else? I say I’m fine but there are moments where I stop and think only to wonder how he’s doing. Even in our relationships death I still put his feelings before mine. 

I can’t help but remember all the times he was there to comfort me but what overpowers these memories is all the times he wasn’t there. My mind won’t let go of the times he expected me to be there for him while he gave me nothing but ‘goodnight’ in return and rarely even that.

“Losing him was blue like I’d never known. Missing him was dark gray, all alone. Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met. But loving him was red.”

Old habits die screaming seeing as I can’t shake the thought of ‘I hope he is ok.’ 

All I ever wanted to do was look out for him and it feels like I left him out in the pouring rain tied to a fence. I want to soak up his sadness and pain just to feel his soul become happy again. I know I can’t do that anymore. I did that long enough and that’s why I’m here. It’s why we’re here. 

I did it again. I blamed myself. I put the blame for the fall of our relationship all on myself and I know it isn’t true. I can’t help but care. I care about the man that used to be the love of my life. I care about how he’s doing. I care if he’s hydrated, mentally stable, comfortable at work, eating well and driving safe. I can’t stop caring. I won’t stop. 

“Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you. Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song.”

Sometimes I try to remember what it felt like to rub his face. I try to remember the naps we took and how amazing they felt. I try to remember his body warmth. I try to remember his tenderness and sweet nothings. I try to remember his lips. I try to remember the nights he’d read me ‘Frog and Toad’ because I couldn’t sleep. 

Sometimes it works. 

“Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echos. Tell myself it’s time now. Gotta let go.”

Even when it doesn’t work, it does in an odd way. I know what we’ve done. We’ve done everything a couple married for twenty years has done. We did it all in just three small years but they were so important. They were important to me. That’s what I remember. I can’t remember how or why they were important all I remember is that they were. 

“But moving on from him is impossible when I still see it all in my head in burning red.” 

He’s a shadow haunting my Christmas past, present and future but I can’t even be an Ebenezer Scrooge about it. I don’t know why I’ve blocked out almost all memory collection of him. I know he wants me to remember and part of me does want to if not for me, for him. 

I will one day. In his own memorable words, to which I’ll always (foolishly) believe:

“Memories like that don’t go to waste.”

We’ll see about that, my only true love.

-A