Midnight Reflections

A letter to you. 

In three weeks, we’ll be broken up for seven months. We’re halfway to a year. It feels so unreal. Where do I even begin with you my sweet first love? 

I’m sure you’ve read the last five stories I’ve written about you. At least I hope you’ve read them. I’d do anything to reassure you that I still have love for you. I want nothing but stability and safety for your well being. Your health still means so much to me my sweet pea. 

Where did all the time go? Where have you been, sweet pea? Better yet, how’s my zucchini doing? Almost two weeks of not speaking and it amazes me how well we’ve gone about this process. I can’t believe this is happening. 

I’m so ‘Guilty as Sin?’ about you and you’re so ‘About You’ for me.

So much time leaves enough room for so much thinking, processing and healing. I never thought this would happen but I can’t seem to recall why I thought this. The longer I go without you the more I feel like this truly wasn’t meant to be but man oh man how badly I want this to be.

I want to remain yours but I’m also glad to no longer be. I still want to share my deepest, darkest secrets with you. I still want to build forts together and drink hot cocoa in the winter. I still want to marry you even though deep in my heart I can’t. I believe I only want these things with you because I don’t want them with anybody else but it’s getting to the point where I don’t want it with you either. I don’t know what I want.

I’ve started thinking. Have I made a mistake letting him go? Will I regret telling him to stop wasting his time? I can’t stop asking myself these things. I feel like maybe I didn’t? 

I thought about it a lot. What’s the point in fighting for me if the problem is still there? You’re still where you’re not supposed to be. You’re not home with me. It’s hard to make someone fall in love with a screen. With a simple phone call. With a text message.

Even when you come home it won’t be the same. It’s just visitation. It’s like someone in jail being excited to get released each time a loved one visits them knowing they still have a long way to go. I’ll be excited to see you but it’ll quickly wash away as soon as I’m reminded you’ll just be leaving me again and again. 

I must wait over a year to finally feel like we can possibly be together again. However, by then, you’ll be long gone and far from reach. You’ll want nothing to do with me and I’ll have no choice but to understand.

So many fears course through my veins. Fears that have influenced my decision on telling you to stop wasting your time. I want to tell you the truth but I am so afraid and want to remain soft spoken. I can’t bring myself to do it just yet. The time needs to be right. 

“We haven’t spoke since you went away. Comfortable be silence is so overrated. Why won’t you ever say what you want to say?” 

I wish I could talk to you, but I wouldn’t know what to say. I wouldn’t know how. I don’t even know you anymore. What could we possibly even talk about? There’s nothing more to say. 

“We haven’t spoke since you went away. Comfortable silence is so overrated. Why won’t you ever be the first one to break? Even my phone misses your call, by the way.” 

I want to write it all out for you but I don’t even know what more there is. We don’t know each other anymore yet you know me better than anyone still. I’ll never understand why this is happening.

The other day I told a new soul the story of us. I smiled. I finally felt my lips do what you helped me do so well. A wave of memories rushed through me and suddenly I remembered the beginning. I remembered the mutual friends. I remembered messaging you for the first time. I remember sitting beside you because I wanted to be close to you. I remembered that dumb vision board you made (you know exactly why I’m calling it dumb).

I couldn’t remember that girl that wanted you so bad whose name started with a ‘T.’ I couldn’t remember the cheerio. I couldn’t remember the talk we had about the new Spider-Man movie. I couldn’t remember the teacher hating you. 

It’s like the memories are half there and half not. I know you wanted to remind me. I’m just so confused on if I even want to know. 

You asked me if I was purposefully forgetting the memories. I still don’t know the answer. I know if I try to remember, it’ll just be unnecessary because you’ll still be there and I’ll still be here. Nothing will be different. We’ll still be the same us and not the good version. 

I can’t fall in love with you yet no matter how much I’d like to. I have to go. I’m sorry.

“Maybe one day you’ll call me and tell me that you’re sorry too. But you, you never do.” 

-A