Midnight Reflections

It’s always a Sunday. It was Sunday’s when I’d get phone calls from him because he was in basic training. It was Sunday when I told him I felt nothing for him and that it was over. 

It’s always a god damn Sunday. 

Every day I ask myself if I’m strong enough to never see him again. Am I? Can I truly fight the urge to not have a simple lunch with him when he’s in town? Am I strong enough to not drive by his house to see his car in the driveway? Can I compel myself to stay away? Am I strong enough to repeat to myself there’s no point in seeing him if he’s just going to leave again and I’ll be stuck in an endless cycle? 

I guess we’ll just have to see. 

“We never learn we’ve been here before.”

I think I can do it. I’m just not entirely sure. What am I holding onto? Absolutely nothing. That’s not a bad thing either. It’s not that I dislike him or hate him because I could never. There’s just nothing keeping me in his shadow. The only person to dislike is myself for thinking this way.

I don’t even know him anymore. 

What could I possibly miss about him? I don’t know who he’s been for the past six months. I’ve seen him within these past six months, yes. However, I still do not know him. Did I ever even know him the last couple of months we were together? 

He won’t recognize me and I won’t recognize him.

Why even ponder if I should see him? We shared our final goodbyes. Why break that silence? Why do I want him to put me in shackles again? I can’t even blame him for it because it’ll be me who is self-sabotaging. 

I can’t keep doing this to myself. 

“Will we ever learn? We’ve been here before. It’s just what we know.” 

Why am I thinking about going back to what I already know? What does one final kiss do for me? One final hug? It’ll serve me nothing but unnecessary attachment. 

“We’re not who we used to be. We’re just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me.”

There’s only one person to blame for these thoughts and it’s me. Why am I still thinking this way? 

“We got to get away.”

I got to get away from this escapable mentality. I know I’m capable of self-control, it’s my selfless nature that wants to ruin my life. 

I’ll be twenty this December. Next year will be my first year no longer loving him. This chapter has ended and a new decade is beginning without him. I’m no longer holding the title of his girlfriend. No longer having him as my traditional new year’s kiss. It’s all gone. That’s what goodbye means. 

It really is a sign of the times.

Sign of the Times by Harry Styles

-A