Midnight Reflections

I do get asked by peers if I’m ready to start dating again. I tried it. Learned my lesson. Never again.

I can’t trust myself enough to not say my ex boyfriend’s name to another man. I can’t trust myself enough to not run away if my ex ever objected at my wedding. 

I’m eloping immediately if that were to happen.

Until I am strong enough to ignore my ex’s objection and remember another man’s name without accidentally slipping up then maybe I’ll start dating. 

I can’t trust myself to marry someone without laying in bed at night with them next to me and feeling cold because I made the wrong choice. 

“Every bed is cold without your body in it. Everywhere I go my skin is crawling.”

I think I’d have to really like this guy or know he’s the one in the moment to commit to the bit. If I’m going to love, I’m going to give it my all. Right now I’m fueling up my tank of love for the next. I’m recovering from an empty tank. I used my jumper cables to love that man, it’s time someone sparks me up. Who knows if it’s possible though. However, I know there has to be a next because there’ll never be an again.

I’m just scared.

If I move on fully, my bed won’t feel cold anymore without his body in it. If I go through with this healing process, I won’t ever think of him before bed. 

“What if I can’t close my eyes without you in my head? I’m scared I’ll never sleep again.”

I feel guilty moving forward with the process of moving on. I feel like I’m not only cheating on the loss of my life and my future husband but on myself too. 

What if my future husband isn’t as funny as he was? What if nobody can ever top his belly laughing level jokes? What if nobody dances awkwardly with me? What if my future husband doesn’t dry my hands for me after washing my hands? What if my future husband expects me to immediately make conversation as soon as I wake up? What if my future husband minds that I drool in my sleep? 

What if my future husband doesn’t twitch in his sleep the way he did?

I don’t want to lie awake at night regretting the day I let go of him entirely. I feel like a fool. I’m sure of my decision. I’m just not sure if future me is sure. 

I know it’s time to leave these thoughts past me. I just can’t help but let them out to free myself. 

Like I keep repreating to myself, this is a risk I am so willing to take.

I’m Scared I’ll Never Sleep Again by 5 Seconds of Summer

-A