Midnight Reflections

Moving on feels like a betrayal to the man who loved me. The man I promised I’d stay no matter what. Choosing to leave him in the past feels like alcohol on a wound. A cigarette to my skin that he called soft and warmed up at any given time.

I never intended to break my promise.

I’m good at keeping promises. Especially with those I cherish and value. He was number one on my list of favorite people, yet I can’t seem to fulfill my promise to him. Why aren’t I going back? Why am I not running into his arms? How dare I do this to him?

I feel like I owe him everything I could possibly give a person. Not because he’s made me feel that way but because I loved him so deeply that in the surface of my heart all I want to give him is my soul. 

Two August’s ago, I would’ve never guessed I’d have the strength to leave. Especially when all I ever wanted to do was stay. My goal was to always love him. I completed it but I wanted it to be forever. I just can’t bring myself to do it. 

All I want to do is say sorry. 

I know I did everything in my power to keep the relationship going and steady. I had the life and energy sucked out of me every day but it was worth it if it meant loving him with everything I had left. 

I slammed the door closed on him. I don’t know if I can fully forgive myself for it.

I thought I’d be running back by now. I thought I’d be screaming “never mind! I didn’t mean it! I love you, I’m sorry!” 

I thought I’d realize he was the one again in that moment. Unfortunately, nothing he said or did gave me that realization. It was the opposite. I realized we really couldn’t be together again. Not because I couldn’t get over the past or history but because I felt nothing in the depths of my heart for him.

How though? How could I just detach myself from him so easily? I kept myself awake long hours begging the same question until a wise friend answered it for me.

“You didn’t detach so easily, it didn’t happen overnight.” 

She was right. My love for him flushing away didn’t happen overnight. It happened over the course of two years. Two years I used to cherish so fondly despite many failed memory formation attempts. I can’t seem to find a good moment for me within those two years. 

My detachment didn’t happen overnight. Sometimes I feel like I say that to make myself feel better but I know it’s true. I’m not totally at fault. I just feel at fault for not wanting to be with him again. I betrayed the man I promised everlasting love with. 

I betrayed the man I planned on marrying. 

I can’t seem to even remember that man though. All I know is that I loved him so much that I can’t even remember the love I had. Love clouds memories, so it’s safe to say it clouded mine. 

I wonder if I’ll ever see the sweet return of the love I carried for him. I wonder if I’ll still see his in the future. 

Leaving the loss of my life in the past was the worse thing I’ve ever had to do. I may regret this with my entire being one day. However, it’s a risk I’m willing to take for happiness. Not only do I want to be happy, I want him to be happy. Though I can’t help but feel this way, I know what’s meant to happen will happen. 

I love you, I’m sorry. 

-A