Midnight Reflections

I write this on the six month anniversary of my first real break up. Three years not totally down the drain, just thought I’d have extended warranty. No, his real name isn’t David. There is no legitimate David in my life. I write while listening to David by Lorde. The lyric that I ask myself every day stays in mind.

“Am I ever gonna love again?”

I don’t know if I ever will. Am I truly capable of loving someone? Committing? I can love but I cannot commit and I can’t put my finger on why. When I met my first love, I immediately knew I wanted him to be the one to ruin my life. 

He didn’t ruin my life. He set me up for success and for that I am forever grateful.

I recently had to tell my first true love that I am no longer in love with him. We can never happen again. I believe what’s meant to be will be. I have to admit that regardless of my mentality, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my entire life. 

Turning down the man that was the love of your life and leaving him with the title of the loss of your life. This was the bravest thing I had ever done in my life. A major sacrifice. My final act of love towards the man of my dreams. I had no choice. 

I can’t bring myself to love again. Not because I look for my first love in every person I meet. Not because I still have love for him. Not because I can’t move on. I just don’t believe I can truly love someone the way I loved before.

I was so eager to love my David.

“I made you God ‘cause it was all that I knew how to do.”

I knew he was the one. He was the one I wanted. The one I needed. I had good intuition. However, I feel like my intuition is damaged now.

“I don’t belong to anyone.”

I don’t know if I can ever love again, I mean it. I do want to. I just don’t know if I can look into the eyes of a man and feel the burning sensation of pure longing in my heart. I can’t imagine a wedding with another man. Not because I thought it would be my David, but because I already gave every ounce of love I had to give.

I don’t know if I care enough to listen to man talk about his problems the way I cared and listened intently to David’s. I can’t comfort a crying man without laughing and getting icked out the way I had before. Every man will annoy me and make me uncomfortable whereas David could do the weirdest thing and I wouldn’t be phased, I’d giggle.

I can’t belong to anyone right now. Not in the way I belonged to David.

I realized how beautifully and deeply I love. I love very intensely. So intense that not everybody can handle it. Not everybody can get me to love them that intensely. This one man did. It was pure and puppy love. 

We weren’t built to last. I know that now. I know one day I’ll find the one. Maybe I won’t realize it in the moment when I meet him. Maybe I will the way I did before.

I have no clue. 

-A