Midnight Reflections

I feel like I have officially reached ‘let down’ status. My life is a literal mess. I am a literal mess. I went from being on my knees, begging to be normal, to going out and living life while also experiencing the worst parts of it. Years of begging to be free and happy have finally come to an end. I am free and I am happy. I am just nowhere I envisioned to be. It’s not a totally bad thing. I think this year I’ve just experienced the absolute worst parts of life.  

Years of wanting a license, begging to be happy, begging to drive, needing a car, and pleading for all the gentle parts of the world have come to me. I am where I wanted to be yet also not? I got the things I wanted it’s just not what I imagined.  

I didn’t think I would be here. I have once again lost friends, broke connections, refused feedback, reduced my feelings, allowed my compulsions to explode, went down a golden brick path, gained new experiences, opened myself up to family, concealed myself, lied, told the truth, listened to music, cried, didn’t care enough, cared too much, acted a fool, acted maturely, acted out on emotion, felt anxious, refused help, pleaded for help, and reminded myself this is simply my first time living.  

I am quite literally a 19-year-old girl.  

I am alone. I am loved. I am supported. I am far from alone. I am sad. I am happy. I am excited. I am not excited enough. I overreacted. I underreacted. I act calmly. I act impulsively. I am learning. I am growing. I am experiencing. I am scared. I am brave. I’m not doing enough. I am doing too damn much. I am enough.  

I’ve gotten what I wanted such as a job, a car, a license, and freedom. All things I was made fun of by friends who were important to me. I am literally living. I am doing me. I try to look on the bright side. The bright side is I get to go out and do things (even if I screw up big time) and it is all for me. I do things for myself now. Nobody else.

I’ve been dependent. I’ve been independent.  

Overtime, I learned that I am in control of my own fuck ass life. I don’t have to care about the feelings of others. I don’t have to worry about what others think of me. I don’t have to care if others would’ve chosen a different route than me. 

This year really has me all over the place. I am indecisive and also too decisive. I remind myself that I am my own person. Nobody else decides for me and I’ve decided to keep fighting these insane, psychotic obstacles. I am literally doing the best I can and I’m on some new shit. I’ve been saying ‘yes instead of ‘no’. I am getting by the best way I can and that’s by trying and refusing to give up.  

-A 

Written September 3, 2025.