Midnight Reflections

This is a post I honestly never thought I’d care enough to make but here we are. 

I really had a friend getaway car a good man and I actually felt bad for him. It made me think. 

Damn. I did that to someone. 

I guess karma got me real good this time for what I did to this boy from sophomore year. I met this guy through my best friend at the time who for some weird reason had his phone number. I say that’s weird cause they almost never interacted. 

Little Ed if you see this, yes I’m talking about you. 

To sum up what I have to say, I feel it’s time I submit a formal apology on this blog to this man.

I’m sorry for what I did to you. I truly don’t know why I even did it. I’m twenty now and have so much insight on the hurt I caused you. I can’t give you a good reason as to why I led you on the way I did. I was a stupid fifteen year old girl who played with your heart. 

From the very beginning of what we were I thought you were such a cool guy. I was happy getting to know you and I feel like we mistook our platonic chemistry for romantic connection. I regret it so much. I really wish we had just stayed friends because you must know our friendship was dear to me. 

You just wanted to be loved and valued. I wanted the same thing but from another man. That was cruel to you. I don’t think we would’ve ever worked out regardless of the situation and even now I think we’re perfect as strangers. I recently had someone that did to me what I did to you reach out and apologize. 

I couldn’t help but wonder what you felt and how I can’t even give you an explanation to this day. 

I do feel terrible for what I did because you were a great friend. I told you in the end I couldn’t be in a relationship. 

I think about how angry you must’ve been when you saw me happily in love with another man soon after. I can explain that.

Me and that guy are no longer together, so know that karma did bite me back. I can explain why we did get together though. I know it’s shameful that I didn’t feel what I felt for him with you. I can’t help that I felt irrevocably enamored with him. He became my obsession and he did everything right by me, even when he was wrong. 

I fully believe in ‘when you know, you know’ and when I met him, I just knew. Something in me knew I wanted him to ruin me. I feel like the reason I didn’t feel that with you was because we were meant to be platonic.

I can’t tell you what was going through my head. That was five years ago. I don’t remember much of what I did to you and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I can’t even give you a proper reasoning. 

I drove off in a getaway car with another guy and I didn’t care how that was going to make you feel. I was angry. I was angry at what you did at homecoming. You embarrassed me. I was embarrassed of what you did. I looked stupid in front of the man I loved. I should’ve told you I wasn’t ready to commit. I should’ve been honest. I should’ve told you I still wasn’t over him.

I didn’t intend to make you a rebound. I really did care about you. I just didn’t want to hurt you with the stone cold truth. I didn’t love you the way I should have. I don’t even know if I really loved you. I cared about you so much but if I’m being honest now, the care I felt was platonic. 

I know that’s strange. I know it might be hard to believe considering all the things we did together. I was just a kid. You were too but I was clinically insane. I was fucked up in the head. I was never going to be the girl you needed. 

I wish you the best. You were always kind. You were sweet to my sister when you saw her at the gym after everything I did to you. I can’t thank you enough for your peace and quietness. I didn’t deserve the grace you left with. I deserved to hear all of your crash outs. I’m not sure if I made an impact on your heart at the time but if I did, I’m so sorry. 

I hope you’re happy now. I hope you’re free and no other girl does to you what I did. I hope you find the one you always deserved. I hope you’re ok. 

-A