Midnight Reflections

This is goodbye to my teenage years. 

I went through so much as a teenager. I experienced so many heart breaks, friendship break ups, drama, negative thoughts, eating disorders, body dysmorphia and learned lessons I never wanted to learn the hard way.

I never imagined I’d be proud of myself for getting through it all, but I am. 

I wave goodbye to all the boys I’ve loved before. I wave goodbye to all my ex best friends who now hate me. I wave goodbye to all the friends I lost contact with. I wave goodbye to my insanity’s. I wave goodbye to my crazy kiss list. I wave goodbye to my embarrassing Snapchat memories. But most importantly I must wave goodbye to every version of myself that survived all of these things. 

I wave goodbye to the brave thirteen year old girl who believed she was the ugliest and the most awkward, annoying girl in all the land.

I wave goodbye to the fourteen year old girl who thought the world was over because she couldn’t choose between her best friend and her ‘first’ love.

I wave goodbye to the fifteen year old girl who hopelessly believed life no longer had meaning if her true loves weren’t alongside her. Fifteen is one of the most awkward ages a girl could be. I am setting this poor baby free. This was the second toughest teenage year for me.

I wave goodbye to the sixteen year old girl who fell sickeningly in love and thought she finally had it all right. I wave goodbye to the beautiful, talkative, goofy and outgoing girl with the coolest clothes. She had her layered jewelry and a dream. 

I wave goodbye to the seventeen year old girl who was the happiest she thought she could ever be and thought life was going to remain that way forever. I wave goodbye to the poor baby whose innocence was stolen by who she thought to be a trustworthy person. I’m proud of this version because she was a tough cookie who pushed forward. This version of myself was so beautiful and special to me.

I wave goodbye to the eighteen year old girl who felt alone and helpless as she went through one of the toughest hardships. I wave goodbye to the age in which I cried the most, so much so I literally cried on my birthday. She thought she couldn’t accomplish any of her goals. She thought being miserable was her destiny. She thought she couldn’t survive the sinking ship. She did it all with a broken heart. I couldn’t be any prouder of myself. 

I wave goodbye to my final year as a teenager. My nineteen year old self had it rough compared to all these other versions. I wave goodbye to the girl who just wanted to be enough, chosen, in love and prioritized. I wave goodbye to the girl who gave herself away for a boy’s sanity. I wave goodbye to the girl whose life was sucked out of her every single day by a parasite. I wave goodbye to the girl who thought she could never leave. I wave goodbye to the girl who felt miserable every single day. I wave goodbye to the poor baby who thought getting the life sucked out of you was love. I wave goodbye to the girl who gathered enough strength, courage and self-respect to finally get up and go. I wave goodbye to the girl who took a risk in leaving and finding love within herself. I wave goodbye to the girl who couldn’t bare looking at herself in the mirror. I wave goodbye to the girl who felt the ugliest she had ever felt. I wave goodbye to the girl who thought she did nothing but really she got up and achieved all of her new year’s resolutions. I wave goodbye to the girl who couldn’t seem to figure out what to do with her life. I wave goodbye to the girl who was scared for twenty. I wave goodbye to the girl who finally chose and continues to choose herself. 

I used to be afraid of no longer being a teenager but there’s no need. It’s just an end of beginning.

Another version of me is being reborn. 

Finally.

I didn’t think life as a teenager could get any worse after fifteen but man oh man was I wrong. I fell in love twice as a teenager. I had three best friends as a teenager. I thought I had it all right as a teenager.

Truth be told, you never truly have it all right. I was recently told ‘20 is the year you admit you don’t know anything and this is good.’

I’ve never read anything so true. I don’t know anything. However, I know enough to admit I am in a much better place than I was at the beginning of the year and at the beginning of my teens. 

I thought life as a teenager would get better but the hell given to me was saved for my final year as a baby. 

I can’t seem to fathom how I survived all of this. I know it might seem odd to others but I don’t care…

I am truly proud of myself.

I saved my last year as a baby to finally be proud of myself. No ifs, ands or buts. I am just proud. 

Nobody saw me crying in my room, absolutely miserable. Nobody saw me using the shower as a form of therapy to finally release all the hopelessness I had within me. Nobody saw me staring at my body in the mirror for endless times because my boyfriend at the time made me feel worthless. Nobody saw me in tears, begging the antagonist behind all of this to just choose me, choose a life with me and to fight for me. 

You cannot bargain true, unconditional love. 

I have finally begun choosing myself. I finally love myself. I can finally admire myself in the mirror and think I look breathtakingly amazing. I can finally walk into a room and seriously believe I am the prettiest girl in all the land. I can finally admit I am desirable and a real treasure. I finally know how much I am worth. I finally fought for myself. I finally realized pretty girls are never lonely. 

I am finally grown and have money. I can get in my car and go wherever the hell I want, whenever I want. I can finally splurge on myself because I can. I can go visit a new coffee shop because I can. 

I can get up and treat myself because I love myself.

I am finally free and I don’t say that as an expression. I really am finally free. I feel like war is over. I’m free from this forsaken negativity that I call my mind. My teenage years are over therefore war is finally over. I know my twenty’s won’t be easy. I think I learned my lesson enough to know life is never easy. 

I think I just really needed the growth. I needed to accept the fact that I was getting older. I needed to welcome twenty with open arms. It wasn’t easy getting myself here. I had to remind myself that nobody else got me here. I did it all. I did it all on my own. I knew I could do it. I can still do it. I’m doing it right now. I thought I was so worthless and useless that even I was no use to myself. That’s no way to treat yourself and your body.

I can do it with a broken heart. 

I just needed my tortured heart to realize it can easily save itself. I had it all wrong. I just needed to admit that with grace. I can’t blame myself for any of my mistakes. I was a kid just trying to figure life out. I wanted love and to give love. I gave it to the wrong people and that’s ok. Am I really living if I didn’t give out free love to undeserving people? 

My old best friends would beg to differ but I know myself now. I know what I have to offer and I bring a lot to the table. 

I learned it takes a lot for me to let someone I loved with my soul, go. I never let my ex best friend go. She was the loss of my life. However, she’s not anymore because she was undeserving of everything I gave her. 

I learned I can’t look back at everybody I ever loved and ask ‘why?’ 

I will never get the answer I want. There is no point in asking ‘Why did you do that to me?’, ‘Why did you treat me that way?’, ‘Why are you so mean to me?’, ‘What did I do to deserve that?’ 

I can’t go my whole life looking back at the past and comparing their old versions to their new versions. I can’t always wonder who they are anymore. The people I loved are in the past for a reason, because they did show me who they are.

They’d say they didn’t do it to hurt me. But what if they did? They lured me, they hurt me and they taught me. They caged me and then they called me crazy. I am what I am ‘cause they trained me. 

For so long, I couldn’t let go of the anger I had. I was angry at everybody who ever fucked me over for no reason. I couldn’t forgive or forget. Why treat me so terribly if I valued you so deeply? And I’m just getting color back into my face. I’m just mad as hell because I loved this place for so long. These experiences, people and drama aren’t worth the heartache, though. 

The peace I have now is worth everything I ever lost and left. 

I can’t deny that it’s almost sad leaving these people in my past for good. They were dear to me. I must remind myself that they did it first. I’ve been told by friends, family and literal strangers that I am glowing. I feel it. I feel like I am and I see it. I can see the glimmer in my eyes and the beauty in my glowing face. I don’t feel miserable anymore. That’s really the only way I can put it. I finally have my spark back. 

And I know I make the same mistakes every time, bridges burn, I never learn at least I did one thing right. I did one thing right.

There’s still a long way to go but after seven years of straight bullshit and a year full of even more, I’m on the right track. 

Tomorrow, I begin a new book. Tomorrow, I let go all of the inflicted pain.

Tomorrow, I can finally celebrate my birthday and have it be about me. My birthday attention won’t be given to someone else now, it’s for me. The day is mine and all mine. No more having my special day ruined by partners or their family. No more crying on my birthday and no more feeling ugly. I accomplished my ultimate goal before twenty. 

It’ll no longer be cute crying in my room because I can’t blame it on my youth. But, I think I’ve grown enough to get myself out of my own head.

I’ve been told so many times that I am free. War is over. I survived the great war. I raise a final toast to my teenage years. I wave a final goodbye to everybody I ever loved. I wave goodbye to everybody who broke my heart. I wave goodbye to all the tears I cried. I wave goodbye to the excessive mental breakdowns I had. 

I wave goodbye to my fellow teenagers. I must depart from the teenager club and join the rest of the adults. Know that life does get easier, I promise. It has its hard times and it escalates but there are moments you realize life is worth living.

Your life doesn’t end when you get your heart broken by stupid boys. Your life doesn’t end when you lose your best friends. Your life doesn’t end when you start to feel all alone. Your life doesn’t end when you don’t have a car. Your life doesn’t end when you don’t have enough money. Your life doesn’t end when your favorite person makes fun of you for not having those things. Your life doesn’t end when you’re crying in your room. It’s only beginning. There’s still so much learning and growing to do. 

Tomorrow, I reach another milestone. Here’s to twenty years on this earth. So long, teenage years.

I wave goodbye to the end of beginning.

Goodbye. 

-A