Midnight Reflections

I recently came in contact with an old friend. This was a special old friend. A friend I have written about twice on this blog. A friend who will know this is about him when he reads this. 

He broke contact, finally, and apologized. For so long, I was waiting for this to happen. I wanted him to give me the apology I deserved and I wasn’t going to seek one out either. I was better than that. I deserved to be chased for an apology. I finally got it.

I got the closure. I got the apology. I got the explanation. I don’t really know how it made me feel though. 

I feel like he wasted so much time by not coming forward for his actions the last time we spoke but he also came forward at the perfect time? If he had done it any sooner, I would’ve reacted angrily. 

He came at the right time. I was mature enough to have this conversation with him. 

He finally made me feel like my fifteen and sixteen year old self wasn’t crazy for the feelings I had. He validated what I felt and it’s not like I really needed him to but he did and I know I deserved that. I deserved to see this situation with different lenses.

I cared about this friend. I wanted the best for him and for him to tell me he finally sees that was an ease to my subconscious mind. He finally made me feel like I wasn’t crazy for giving everybody the good parts of me. I needed to hear what he had to say. It was what I truly needed to hear in that moment.

For so long I had lost myself. This served as a healthy reminder of who I am. 

However, reflecting off the friendship, there was so much I had forgotten. He reminded me of things that slipped my mind since he shut me out so abruptly. What we had was a real platonic connection and I knew that, he just made me feel crazy for thinking that. Hearing his point of view was nice and it made me realize I don’t need people from my past to come forward. I am perfectly fine without them.

I thought about what we had a lot. I realized even more so that we truly weren’t meant to be lovers but most importantly we weren’t meant to be friends. It’s sad, though, because I really did want to. 

I hadn’t come face to face with him in years and it was something I always wanted to do once more. However, I now see we’re right where we need to be. 

Apart.

At the time of our small brewing love, I felt like we were so close to touching each other’s hearts. He was so close to finally letting me all the way in. Everytime the spark between our hearts were lit, something would come in the way. We were always torn apart by something or somebody. I’m glad that for the last time we were torn apart, it was him that put an end to what was never meant to be. 

The question begged throughout our final conversation. Are we still friends? What could we possibly be now? 

Absolutely nothing.

We are strangers once again. We were never star-crossed lovers. For years, I wondered why he thought I couldn’t give him everything he needed. I was ready to do so. He not only told me but made me realize that it was never me, it was him. It was him that couldn’t give me everything I needed. Everything but one thing. 

I needed to be pulled apart from him so he gave me what he could and that was a push that took me far away from his life. 

I was sunshine, he was midnight rain. 

He’s got his life sorted out and it’s perfect without me. I guess in the end, he really did take my advice on how to improve. The first step must’ve been getting rid of me. 

I’ll never understand how people can live so perfectly without me. This gave me some type of closure as to why. The problem isn’t that not everybody needs me; it’s that I don’t need everybody. He knew I didn’t need somebody like him in my life and he exited abruptly but he did it for my own good. I can now look back on whatever it was that we had and not feel so angry.

He was a stupid sixteen year old boy and I was a naive sixteen year old girl. 

That’s not me anymore, though. 

I still have some things left to say to him, though. I wish we could’ve been friends, James. I did care for you platonically. I’m glad you’re perfectly fine without me, though. You helped me realize I’m perfectly fine without you. 

I have so much to say about what we discussed and about the entire situation, James. However, I feel like I can’t articulate everything just yet.

This won’t be the last time I write about you, James.

-A