Midnight Reflections

This December, I have goals that I am going to put all of my energy into achieving.

This December, I’ll remember all of my worth. This year has been the shittiest year of my nineteen years on this earth. All of my friends and family know this. Hell, even the readers of this blog know this. This wasn’t my best year, obviously, but I know there are better ones to come. 

I used to be scared of no longer being a teenager. The cryptic fear of growing old and no longer being youthful was so painful to me. I never wanted to grow up. All my life I was forced to grow up, even now. However, this December, I’m ready to turn twenty.

This December, I’m excited to turn twenty. 

A new decade will begin and all the hell I’ve been through in my childhood and bittersweet adolescence will be washed away. I can begin a new book and start things I’ve always wanted to do. I have let go of all evil and negative energy. I have positivity surrounding me. I have grown so much in a matter of months. I am ready for twenty. 

So much has happened at nineteen. I lost who I thought was the love of my life, I lost myself, I had scares, anxiety-induced memorabilia, failed friendships, got two jobs, got a license, got a car and practically did it all. 

All of this was because I needed to get it out of my system. I needed one last bad year. I needed to fuck up so much to blame it on my age one last time. I needed to go into my twenties alone without a low-effort man alongside me. I needed to do it all on my own. I needed to make my own decisions without caring of others opinions or judgment. 

I needed to leave. I needed to love myself.

This December, I am ending the year off being the version of myself I always wanted to become. If I’m being honest, so far so good. I’m trying new things, I’m forgetting people I don’t need stressing my mental, I’m moving on with better things, I’m so close to finishing my degree and I’m becoming more independent. 

This December, I am preparing myself for becoming my absolute fullest potential. I am not comparing myself to others and their plastered lives, especially not other women. I am not shutting myself out and staying in my room on a Wednesday night. I am saving as much money as possible. I’m going to journal as often as I want to. I am going to celebrate twenty with loved ones. I am going to meet new people and fall in love again someday. I am going to prioritize my goals, health and needs over my wants. 

I am not crying over a boy who never loved me enough to listen to me cry. 

What I find most important in all of this is that I’m doing it for me. I’m not doing it to flaunt my life in the faces of enemies, ex’s and low-life’s. I don’t need to flaunt what’s always been there. My passion, beauty and potential. I’m doing it because this is my life and this is how I want to live it. I am content in my own life because I choose how to live it. Who can love me better than I can love myself? I’m proud of myself for suffering so much torment only to come out stronger and be even more honest with myself.

This December, I will mean every word I say without any little white lies.

I always loved the month of December ever since I was a little girl. It’s a beautiful month and a beautiful woman like me was born in this month. It was meant for me. The cold, crisp breeze hitting my face almost as if the beauty of the weather wants to touch mine. December belongs to me, it always has. The same way I’ve always belonged to myself.

This December, I will remind myself of who I am and who I’ve always been.

-A