Midnight Reflections

Dear John,

This is the only life we live and you made a decision knowing it’d end up with me no longer being in your life forever. I fought for you not only because I loved you but because I didn’t want to live my life with anybody else. You chose a different path. I wouldn’t have done that if you had just fought for me. You still did that knowing I did fight for you. 

There is no amount of sense that can be made in this world to consume my mind the way your actions did. 

There is an end to this all. We do not get a second chance or a second life. You know that. Everybody in this world knows that. You still did it anyways. I will never be by your side when the end comes. I didn’t choose that. You did.

That’s a life I would’ve never chosen. 

I will always love the man I thought you were. He’s mine. He’s with me forever. However, I will never love you. Not in this lifetime. Not in the next. Not in any. 

I’m in pain. I’m angry. I’m in burning agony.

Why put me through all of this? Why pretend you would’ve given me everything just to kick me down repeatedly?

It hurts.

You weren’t there. You’ve never been there, John. You weren’t there when I slept for an hour that night. You weren’t there when I was up staring at the sharpest thing in my room. You weren’t there when I sat in the cold rain for an hour that morning. You weren’t there when I was on the bathroom floor gagging, trying to throw up. You weren’t there when I couldn’t eat. You weren’t there when I couldn’t sleep. You weren’t there when I was disassociating.

You weren’t there when I couldn’t stop crying and telling my sisters I wanted to relapse. You weren’t there when I told them with heavy breaths that I wanted to hurt myself and meant it. I wanted to starve myself. I couldn’t eat and I especially couldn’t keep the food down.

All of this because you couldn’t fulfill your empty promises. 

It took days for me to finally finish a full meal. I wasn’t even hungry. I had no appetite. I lost a couple of pounds in just a matter of days. But it’s good to know that you’re perfectly fine. You knew better than anybody else that I had a major fear of comparison and you did the worst thing that you could possibly think of to ensure I faced my fear.

You jumped at the easiest opportunity to impend my heart.

“Don’t you think nineteen’s too young

To be played by your dark, twisted games

When I loved you so?”

But I’m better than this.

I thought my world ended at fifteen when that little boy broke my heart. I was wrong. You finished the Job and a job well done. He simply cut me but you tortured and slaughtered me.

I trusted you. I had faith in you. I held you to high regards. I made you the standard. I handed you my soul. How could you do this, babe? You saved me just to put me right back in a darker place than what he put me in. 

I hate that because of you I have to hate you. Because I do. I really fucking hate you. That’s not where I wanted to end up. This is not the life I would’ve chosen for us. I hate that you can’t see it this way and you never will. It is not my problem anymore, though. I’m letting it go. I’m just hurt right now.

I’ll never escape the narrative. I’ll regret you for eternity. All the things you’ve taken from me just to give them to another. All the times I comforted you, consoled you and held you while you cried… none of it was real. Not to you. You fed into my delusions. 

You stole my girlhood without my consent. The one thing that really mattered to me. My innocence gone into the hands of the worst person I know. You made jokes about it. You never cared if I was hurting physically. You never cared if I was hurting at all. 

You turned on the game so you didn’t have to deal with me crying. Why?

I would’ve never danced with the devil at nineteen. That’s what you showed me you are. I fully accepted that the pain was heaven. I enjoyed soaking in your bloodbath if it meant you were sitting there watching me splash around.

“If I was some paint, did it splatter on a promising grown man?

And if I was a child, did it matter If you got to wash your hands?

Ooh, all I used to do was pray would’ve, could’ve, should’ve if you’d never looked my way

I would’ve stayed on my knees And I damn sure never would’ve danced with the devil

At nineteen, and the God’s honest truth is that the pain was heaven

And now that I’m grown, I’m scared of ghosts, memories feeling like weapons.”

I don’t want to remember you if it means that entire time you were lying. I can’t even look at old photos or videos of us. I had to get rid of them because I don’t know what’s real and what’s fake. Why need photo and video reminders of you if I’m never going to be with you ever again? It’s not like you’re the person in the photo.

I don’t even know what to believe anymore and that’s what’s hurting me. I trusted you with things and you used it to strike fear in me in the end. You know exactly what I mean when I say this. How could you do that? 

“And now that I know, I wish you’d left me wondering.

God rest my soul, I miss who I used to be. The tomb won’t close.

Stained glass windows in my mind.

I regret you all the time.” 

I want to scrub my body free from you. All those times we took naps together, was I ever safe? Tell me if what we had was fake so I can be free from this torment once and for all. Tell me, did you ever love me? Was everything you said about wanting one love in your life true? Only wanting to be caressed by one woman your entire life, was that real? Was your self-respect that I admired real? Or were you lying to me even when we were just friends four years ago?

Tell me. I’m serious. Answer me and tell me the truth for once.

I want to say this isn’t you and that I don’t recognize you but I don’t even know if that’d be a lie. I thought I knew you. I really did think I knew you. I thought I could trust you because I knew your person, so much so that I defended you. I defended you to the same people that were right about you all along. All of my friends and coworkers were right about you.

I never knew you.

Tell me, would things be different if I hadn’t given you that cheerio? I regret it and I never thought I would. I wish I never met you. I wish I never knew you. I wish I left you alone. I wish I dropped that class. I wish I left you the moment I found another girl in your phone. I should’ve left when I read the messages between you two talking about how you could have someone to fuck.

I should’ve known.

I’ve never truly been able to stay mad at you. But you are what you did. And I’ll forget you but I’ll never forgive the smallest man who ever lived. I’ve tolerated enough of your disrespect and mendacious character. The biggest punishment I can ever give you for what you’ve put me through in just this year alone is no longer being in your life. There is no revenge I am seeking. If you loved me the way you said you did then this should be enough. I don’t know if this is the grief talking or if it’s truly coming from the bottom of my heart. 

You never loved me. You never even wanted me so can I really be mad? You made that clear from the very beginning. Why did I expect you to treat me like a goddess if it’s truly what you never saw me as? 

I was absolutely enamored with you since the moment I laid eyes on you. That was the most genuine and vulnerable I had ever felt in my entire life. Suddenly being fifteen felt so good because I surrendered myself to you. I had the purest intentions with you. I just wanted to love you, baby. You called me a gold digger, though. You called the girl who just wanted to love you (you didn’t even have to love her back) a gold digger but not the one you bought a beer for. Not the one that didn’t care enough to know the real you like I did. 

I wanted to heal you. You wAnted to use me.

You never let me drive that car. That same car your mother would pick us up in. She drove us around in that car. That same car we rode to prom together in. You drove me around in that car when I got over my fear of planes for you. You let a twenty-five year old you knew for probably less than an hour take your car to her home without knowing what could’ve happened to it. You lost all your common sense. Where did it go?

I’m disgusted at the thought of a random woman doing the same things I did to you in that car. Things you coerced me to do. I can’t bare the thought of wondering if you had gone so low like this before when I had the title of your girlfriend. Do transmitted diseases not exist to you? Previous intimate history? Remember when you found men who did this disgusting? I can only imagine what she had on her that she could’ve given to you seeing as nobody has yet to tell her no.

I can’t resist. Before you go, tell me this. Was it worth it? Was she worth this? I’ll answer with what you couldn’t that night.

No.

You sold me over a moment of weakness and a night filled with satisfied temptation. You did it because you were ‘sad’ and ‘alone’ but I was exactly that for two years and never so much as looked at another man. I never jumped at the opportunity even when it presented itself numerous times. Six months of torture you sold to some forbidden paradise. That is not yearning. You didn’t struggle nor hesitate to answer a simple ‘no’ question. You gravitated towards ‘yes’ the same way her hand gravitated towards your zipper. 

“You say that you’d take it all back, given one chance.

It was a moment of weakness and you said yes.”

You should’ve said no. You should’ve gone home. You should’ve thought twice before you let it all go.

All the things you did. How disappointing. We made fun of guys like this. We made fun of guys like you. We made fun of couples that were going through what we’re going through right now. Were you laughing with me or were you laughing at me because you knew you were exactly who those guys were? I’ll never know now. 

Did you ever love me? Don’t answer that. I already know. Where there’s love, there’s loyalty. You said it was true love but wouldn’t that be hard? You can’t love anyone ‘cause that would mean you had a heart. I tried to help you out. Now I know that I can’t ‘cause how you think’s the kind of thing I’ll never understand.

You never loved me. You never even liked me. I’ll never understand why. What’s the difference between me and someone else? I wanted to take care of you. I was ready to settle for a life of being in the kitchen if it meant keeping you happy and healthy. 

“And I should’ve been there, in the back of your mind.

I shouldn’t be asking myself why.

You shouldn’t be begging for forgiveness at my feet.

You should’ve said no, baby, and you might still have me.”

I’ve made some real big mistakes but you make the worst one look fine. Years of thinking the boy I met at thirteen was my would’ve could’ve should’ve but really it was you all along in disguise. 

“If clarity’s in death then why won’t this die?”

Chase two girls and lose the one. My kids won’t share your DNA but they’ll hear about you. They’ll hear about the man I thought was going to be their father and how he bludgeoned me. They’ll hear that the man I wanted to be their father was nothing compared to the man that is their father. My husband will be everything you never amounted to.

“But do you honestly expect me to believe we could ever be the same?”

I’ll regret you for the rest of my life. 

Four years I kept begging the question, ‘why am I not good enough for him?’ 

Why wasn’t it enough when I bought you the darth vader lego set? Why wasn’t it enough when I initiated our first kiss? Why wasn’t it enough when I pursued you? Why wasn’t it enough when I baked you cookies ‘cause I had a crush on you? Why wasn’t it enough when I’d purposely bump into you in the halls just to walk with you? Why wasn’t it enough when I asked you to be my new years kiss over the phone? Why wasn’t it enough when I planned on bringing my family over to your house for a surprise early birthday celebration? Why wasn’t it enough when I held you while you cried over your parents treating you like shit? Why wasn’t it enough when my family stepped up for you when your family wouldn’t? Why wasn’t it enough when I bought you those Crocs you wanted for months even though I had no money? Why wasn’t it enough when I bought you those Birkenstocks and I received not even coal for our anniversary? Why wasn’t it enough when I went out of my way to reach out to your friend so I could give you a surprise birthday gift because I didn’t want you to be homesick and alone on your birthday? Why wasn’t it enough when my family filled the room of your going away party?

All of this for just one glimpse of your smile.

Does she or anybody else know you had braces? Does she or anybody else know you couldn’t close your mouth properly because your braces would get in the way? Does she or anybody else know that your mole is on the right side of your mouth, not your left? Does she or anybody else know that New York makes you sick? Does she or anybody else know that you had a speech impediment that got you bullied relentlessly? Does she or anybody else know you had a head of hair like broccoli? Does she or anybody else know you have three younger siblings? Does she or anybody else know you loved your cat so much? Does she or anybody else know your mother loves Snoballs? Does she or anybody else know your father loves Monsters? Does she or anybody else know you used to wear sweaters because you were insecure of your arms and it wasn’t until you met me that you were finally able to take one off? Does she or anybody else know your favorite food is ceviche? Can she even make it? I learned how to just for you.

How could you be so reckless?

Why did you throw it all away?

Why was I so easily disposable in your mind? You were tattooed in mine. I can’t believe I ever thought you’d never hurt me like this. The signs were always there. You made me look so naive. 

I waited for you like a damn fool. You kept me at your disposal like I was your little bitch. I don’t know what I did to deserve this. What did I do? Where did I go wrong? Was I truly that bad of a girlfriend to deserve all of this pain?

I can’t be mad at my fifteen year old self for falling for you because I stayed even at nineteen. 

If I had the chance to go back and change it all, it hurts me to say, I would. I would’ve never walked into that interpersonal studies room. I would’ve walked straight to the counselors office and gotten my schedule changed. I would’ve walked away from you and your soulless body. I would’ve much rather been relentlessly abused by the guy before you than relive this torture you put me and my soul through. It would’ve hurt a hell of a lot less than this.

Let me say that again.

Physical abuse from a man would’ve hurt a hell of a lot less than what you’ve done to me now.

That’s how much you’ve hurt me with what you’ve done. With what you’re doing. You win. You won the great war but I won the ‘I love you more’ game. I loved you more than I loved myself. I thought you were home but in reality you were a psych ward and I was just the tortured poet you experimented on.

If I had a chance to go back and relive it all… I would take it back. I would’ve saved myself from you.

“Years of tearing down our banners, you and I.

Living for the thrill of hitting you where it hurts.

Give me back my girlhood it was mine first.”

You accomplished a mission. You are no longer my ‘Daylight’ or ‘Call It What You Want’. From now on when I listen to ‘Would’ve Could’ve Should’ve’ by Taylor Swift I won’t think of him. I’ll think of you and feel every single word bar for bar.

Do I even need to add the lyrics of the entire song to stress what you’ve done to my tortured heart?

Truth be told, I wasn’t sure of publishing this post. I had to remind myself this is my blog and I made it with the purpose of writing what ever I want because nobody can silence me. Nobody can take my voice from me. 

In the words of Taylor Swift herself,

“if guys don’t want me to write bad songs about them, maybe they shouldn’t do bad things.” 

This blog is meant for those who find relation to my stories and after writing all this; I have one thing to say to the reader.

I’m so sorry if you can relate.

-A