Midnight Reflections

“One thing about karma, that bitch will find you.”

I’ve always been told my entire life by my family that karma is a real thing. I’ve been given examples of true karma. Karma given to others for what they’ve done and karma given to yourself for lessons that need to be learned. I always wanted it to come fast though but I never sat and thought about it.

“You’re gonna feel it. You’re gonna feel it when you’re all alone. When you’re all alone, you’ll know you were wrong.” 

The message came so clear to me. 

You don’t call upon karma, karma calls upon you. It comes when it wants. It decides the fate of one’s future. It is the consequence to one’s actions.

“Maybe I’m just out my mind, tryna figure out this life. I hate how good I could see right through you.” 

Music is a remedy for karmic emotions. I’ve always found music heals. I knew who I was from a young age. I knew how I needed to heal. I knew how to treat myself with care in order to reach my fullest potential. 

I still know myself now. I will never lose her again. 

“Lost myself a while back tryna make peace with my past. I guess I was just looking for the love no one showed me in my childhood.” 

I always wanted someone to want me in their life enough to fight for me. That’s all I ever wanted from friends, lovers and family. It was what I expected. It is the standards I held every important person in my life to. It is a false reality that I harshly learned the hard way. I was young and stupid. 

The answer is within myself. I’ve always known that. Finding peace and closure in other people serves me no justice. Justice I have the power to give to myself. I can gift myself the peace in all of the world. I decide if I want to forgive and I choose to, not for anybody else but for me. Everything I do is for me. It is my life. 

“Well, I hope you feel it. I hope you find what you’re looking for. Surrounding yourself with praise but the truth sets in on those nights alone.” 

Nights alone or surrounded by others will never not be the greatest gift. I love myself enough to be alone. Regardless if family and friends enjoy my company, I enjoy my own company. I am an interesting, loveable person. Not because other people make me feel that way but because I feel that way about myself.

“And I can only scream all these feelings I have about it.”

Who can love me better than I can love myself? Who can enjoy my presence more than my own mind and body? Who can give me everything I ever wanted in life? It’ll always be the same answer. Me, myself, and I. 

I am letting go of my teenage years. I am letting go of bittersweet adolescence. Why? Because I am not closing a chapter. I am ending a book and writing a new one. Twenty is a new decade and 2026 is a new year. I gifted myself the power to forget anything and everybody I want to forget and leave them in 2025. I get to leave everything at nineteen. 

“Yeah, everyone’s replaceable, but not me though. You’ll feel it deep down whenever you’re alone. You’re living a lie if you’re saying I’m wrong.”

Nobody has the power to replace me because I can’t even replace myself. I decide who has power over me and I choose myself. I will choose myself in every lifetime and multiverse. 

What example would I be setting to all young women in the world? I made this blog in hopes people relate to me in some way. I made it in hopes to warn all the young women in the world. This blog isn’t made for people who don’t understand. This is meant to console all the young girls who I see myself in.

All over the globe, there are women going through relentless abuse, betrayal, backstabbing friendships, toxic relationships, battles within themselves, eating disorders, body dysmorphia, low self-esteem and I am a woman who wants to use my power in gifting these young women the comfort that they’re not alone. 

Women go through the challenges of gifting their lives to others and oftentimes it’s for men who couldn’t give two shits about gifting them a simple breath of theirs. I want to be there for young girls. I was a young girl in their shoes. It’s never going to be the end of the world because it’s your world, everyone else is just living in it.

Anger, fear, denial, depression, bargaining, acceptance and revenge are stages of grief and more included. It consumes someone so easily. You get to wallow in your own stage of grief. I know I have. I am and I will. 

“Hope you’re at least real with yourself. I hope you know when karma comes round knocking down on your door she’s coming to collect ‘cause karma won’t forget.”

Women have souls, minds and power. It’s sickening watching grief rule out these qualities. Karma isn’t a woman. Karma isn’t a man. Karma isn’t what you create. Karma isn’t revenge. Karma isn’t yours to give out.

What I’m saying is: You can’t choose karma. You can only choose peace and ease on your own mind. That’s the life I deserve. That’s the life I can build for myself.

That’s what I have chosen to do for nobody other than myself. 

-A