Midnight Reflections

I fought long and hard to maintain the burning hatred I have for you to ultimately realize that I have none. I never knew how to write a story about you. About us. About the hell you put me through. 

I finally get it. I finally feel it. I cracked the code.

I couldn’t write a complete story about you because I couldn’t bring myself to forgive you. Ahora si te puedo decir lo que siento. Its been six years since we started a relationship. Its been five since it ended. Its been four years since we’ve spoken. Its been a year since I’ve seen your face in person. 

For the first time in those five years, I know I can face you without feeling hatred, anger, and resentment. 

I forgive you. 

I finally forgive you. I’ve finally healed. Its taken me a long time but I finally forgive you. I can thank you now. 

I was recently brought up an interesting thought. 

September 14, 2021 at 9:56 AM you wrote in our shared note.

“I’m happy you found the light at the end of the dark tunnel.”

I was angry reading that. My mind swirled with questions. How dare he? The audacity. Does he have no shame?

I see it now though. My sister randomly brought this message up to me the other day. Ironically, without even knowing it, she brought it up the day after the four year anniversary of that message. 

“I hate to bring up the past but I was thinking about it the other day and it was really sweet of him to say that to you. You wouldn’t have moved on if he hadn’t let you go and that was his final act of love towards you.” 

And just like that, any clouded memory I had of you vanished. I have been over you for years now, obviously, but I have never been able to put my finger on what exactly I felt for you. I couldn’t get over everything you did. I thought I hated you and yes maybe you deserved that hatred but right now I don’t have it in me to hate you. 

To have my sister who absolutely hated you more than I ever could say something you did was sweet really changed my perspective. 

I always saw our situation as, “he ruined my life.”

That’s not true. Not anymore. You helped me kick start my life and for that I thank you. You didn’t end me. You saved me. I had to lose my mind over you in order to grow. You may have shattered my fifteen year old soul to pieces but you also fed my sixteen year old self to the wolves in order for me to find my own pack. You didn’t only do that for yourself. You did it for me. You did it to take care of me one last time. What a remembrance of your essence.

I thought you lost yourself but really I just lost my mind. There was the piece of you I knew in you somewhere and you allowed that version of yourself out so he could look out for me one last time.

You did a lot of fucked up shit, I think we can both agree on that. I had my fair share of fucked up shit. We’re (almost) in our twenties now though. We’re living our best lives. I am not the person I was at fifteen and I seriously doubt you are too. I’ve grown a lot. I’ve matured. I’ve learned. And the things I did before are things I would never do now. I would never act the way I did back then, now.

You’ve done a lot of things I wish I never had to experience but growth is realizing I needed those experiences. You’ll always be ‘drivers license’ boy and I’ll always see you when I look at my license. It makes me laugh. However, you’ll also always be the greatest lesson to ever occur in my life.

Without you, I wouldn’t have experienced heartbreak, a real sweet disposition first love story, a second real heartbreak, met new people, started new friendships, joined newspaper, fallen in love with writing, and most importantly I wouldn’t have learned to stop being angry. 

You were right. In the end, you were right. I did find the light at the end of a very dark tunnel. You lunged me into that tunnel though. You helped me find my way simply by pointing in the wrong direction. Which may have not been in the best way but you did it and now I’m here. My life didn’t end with you. It started. 

Never thought I’d say this but I’m actually really grateful for you. Because of you, I’ve lived. Besides, you pretty much got your karma by having the same thing happen to you so that’s enough to soothe my soul. I hope you’re okay by the way.

I can laugh at this now though. I know we’ll never speak again but in the event that you do find this story, I want you to know I’m not angry. There was a time in my life where I loved you truly and I know it’s ridiculous saying that considering what we had was truly nothing compared to new love we’ve experienced after each other but it’s true. I think I did love you as purely as I could at the time. I loved you the way I knew how to. In my fifteen year old mind fuiste tú mi baile inolvidable. 

I think I owe you enough to tell you I forgive you. A part of me is glad you got away. You got the hell out of this town and went to your dream university. Seeing you be presented on a stage in front of the whole senior class gave me a weird, indescribable feeling. I never wanted to admit how happy I was for you. But I am. I am happy for you. 

Your final act of love helped me find love, not only romantically or platonically but within myself. Maturing is realizing you let me go for that exact outcome. I thought soothing my fifteen year old soul meant to hate you for eternity but no. Soothing my fifteen year old soul means looking at you in the eyes of a friend and smiling at your success. At the end of the day, that’s what our younger selves would’ve wanted for each other. That’s what we promised. 

You’ve taught me great lessons and made me create mistakes that I’d never in a million years make again. That is growth and for that I am eternally grateful.

You were my friend before you were anything else and a good one in all honesty. I ended this chapter already but now I can publish it and read it with a smile, maybe even chuckle. We won’t be friends again but you’ve got a friend in me. I won’t glare at you with storms in my eyes. I’ll glance at you with a warm gaze. 

I hope you’re happy. I hope you make it. I hope you enjoy your twenty’s. I hope all of your dreams and aspirations come true. I hope you become a future engineer like you want to. I hope on your darkest days you too find the light at the end of the dark tunnel. I won’t name-drop you but for old times sake I’ll address you by your last name. I wish you well, A. 

(P.s. If you see this, I know you’ll get the title reference and any reference in this post lol)

-A

Written September 15, 2025