Midnight Reflections

All my life i’ve been told to grow up. When I do it’s wrong and when I don’t, it’s childish. However, there are only so many things I am willing to grow apart from and fully let go. If you’ve been reading my blog, you’ll know i’ve never been the type to let things go, ever. I am a hoarder with feelings, memories, and people.

I collect these three things with every intention of never letting them go. I am an adult and I still haven’t forgotten the hell middle school brought into my life. Some things only linger in memory but other things linger because they truly affect my every day life. The lingering of people, their actions and what I felt for them never fades.

I wake up every now and then trying to forget, but i’ve never been one to do that also. 

I should let go of things that happened in middle school but if we can’t let go of childhood trauma then whats the difference really? It’s strange. Becoming so close to somebody and having it come down to their own selfish decision on whether you get the one way ticket to their life is so fucking strange.

It’s like an itch you can’t scratch, a wound that won’t heal, or a tomb that won’t close. At least that’s how it feels for me. I know others who have walked out of my life feel otherwise. Can you really blame me for not letting that go?

If you’ve known someone that has been through such crazy stages of your life with you then it makes things harder. Knowing someone before they got glasses, braces, their own bedroom, or seen their natural curly hair hits you like a tsunami on random nights. Not everybody can say they witnessed these things in their loved ones life but I have people who were so special to me witness this in mine. 

People fall in love with the wrong people everyday but when I did it, it felt like I was getting ripped open and for a moment I didn’t even feel it. I’ve lost what felt like two great loves and was made to feel like it was something to glaze over because of how young I was at the time. If it wasn’t important or special then why do I still dream of these people? I dream of apologies and conversations like the old times. 

I never dream of bringing them back to my life. I dream of them coming back on their own and allowing me to maturely shoot them down.

I couldn’t allow another disaster strike. I’m honestly not even sure how my teenage self dealt with it even knowing she went into (what felt like) psychosis managing the pain. 

I’ll never understand how my Mr. Big moved forward with his life or how my doe victimized herself. All I know is I reserve the right to talk highly about the versions of them I loved and the real version that was the spawn of the devil. 

It’s strange how fast some people move and how slow others handle grief. How do you leave somebody so devoted to you? Someone who is not easy to recruit for devotion?

I had two dreams of my own personal Mr. Big last night. (If you don’t get the reference, I strongly advise a Sex and The City marathon). It wasn’t what an ill-minded person would assume it was. Dreaming is involuntary and if I could escape them, I would. However, in this dream, I was yelling at Mr. Big. Though I think i’ve mattered enough in real life to not react towards him that way if we had a conversation now, in this dream it was like a screaming cry. 

In fact, I aired out a couple of things I had always needed to. Just a few things. In this dream, he began shedding tears. Not full blown crying the way i’ve witnessed before but tears. It was remorse mixed with bitterness? He actually felt bad for doing this to me? A scene you’ll never see on the big screen. 

I’ve always felt as though Mr. Big would never apologize, speak to me or about me, and probably not even glance at me. But in this dream, Big shed tears as I told him that I will never be able to escape the torture he put me through. Eventually I woke up. I woke up knowing i’ll never see this come to life, but moving on from someone comes with the realization that dreams will now be the only form of apologies and closure you’ll receive. 

I have an app on my phone that gives me quotes of the day to remind myself. As I was typing this story, I received a notification. 

“Anyone who appears in your dreams represents a part of yourself.” 

I couldn’t agree more. Though i’ve moved on from middle school trauma and I live happily doing so, I will never let it go. From strangers to friends to strangers again will be the biggest confusion of our lifetime. 

Call this story what you want but I see this as maturity and probably the nicest you’ll ever read me talking about these people. This is simply me messing with the keyboard but believe me when I say I have more stories about these people and other people. 

– A