Midnight Reflections

I’ve recently made a post that I was very hesitant on making. I figured if I want to write about whatever I need to air out, I have to target all of my topics in order. One by one I am going to overshadow the pain inflicted on me throughout my life and bring out a bright side to it. I am a grown woman now and I feel the need to just let things go.

However, I don’t think I will ever just let things go. I am a woman who holds grudges for years and if you’ve fooled me once, know that I remember every single detail.

I have never been a ‘forgive and forget’ kind of gal. I think that motto is a manipulation tactic because why do you expect me to forgive you for never apologizing and forget that you screwed me over?

I wrote ‘Don’t Smile’ and published it in early December which was not easy to do. Its following story was ‘Dear Doe,’ and it stumped me. My feelings were raw and my message was conveyed in the best way possible. As a writer, people often assume you have the words for everything but really it’s the opposite.

I find it hard to articulate pain. Only because I feel like I will never be able to fully incorporate it into my stories the way I incorporate it into my life. I hold onto my past like my life depends on it and thats my problem. No, I haven’t forgotten the women particular love interests have compared me to. No, I haven’t forgotten the last words you ever spoke to me. No, I never forgot the last look of love my old friends have given me.

It is so god damn hard.

It is so hard being this kind of person. It’s like these memories are engulfing me with flames from hell. I just want to be set free. People say it takes strength to forgive but I believe it takes strength to forbid yourself from forgiveness. I switch emotions all the time. Sometimes I see myself forgiving and other times I remind myself that some people are not worth it.

I analyze. I got into astrology because I love to analyze. I like to know why people did certain things to me. I live for that shit. I live to have my questions answered. But it’ll never happen and thats my harsh reality. I live with this every day and it’s not fair.

The arguments i’ve won in my head, the scenarios i’ve played out numerous times, and the ‘can we talk?’ texts i’ve imagined will never come true. It’s hard finding people like me out in the world. I feel like i’ve been so terrorized that I just don’t trust people. I’ve had posers claim they were like me but were only like the people I write blog posts about.

People might say I hide behind a computer screen, typing my life away but really it’s the opposite. Those same people hide behind their phone screens and critic everybody but themselves.

Just know, if you are who I write about, I may write about you once but I am not a ‘one and done’ kind of gal either. Just because I hit my target doesn’t mean I won’t continue shooting to kill.

– A