Midnight Reflections

Last year I made a brave decision not every young person has to make. In fact, i’ve made a lot of decisions that not many people my age have ever had to make. Around this time last year, it would’ve been two and half months since I had last seen my boyfriend. We didn’t break up. We didn’t fight. We weren’t mad at each other. 

My boyfriend left to join the army in August 2023. 

It was a decision we both came to terms with fairly easily, as easy as we could. I’ve had a lot of questions thrown at me about the entire situation. Was it hard? Yes, for both of us. 

My boyfriend is not and has never been the patriotic type either, so whatever image you have for an army soldier, change it. My soldier is nothing compared to others and I suppose i’ll say that with my upmost respect. The difference between mine and others is his dedication, love, care, and true bravery. Being the amazing man he is, my boyfriend had always reassured me that he was not only doing this for him, but for me, for us.

I always had bad luck with love. Whether it was friendships, infidelities, manipulation, abuse, or crazy meddling friends, love was never my friend. 

I always knew I was lucky when cupid struck me for the first time with his golden bow. 

I’m lucky. I know I am. However, I didn’t feel lucky the day my boyfriend left. In fact, I felt like the unluckiest girl in the world. I was angry. I was angry at the world for taking away the one thing I did right in my life. I was angry that my favorite doll had been taken away from me and placed in another setting. It felt like my favorite figurine was taken out of its box and placed for sale. 

I couldn’t help but feel like the only thing that had ever been mine was officially gone. 

He was mine. 

Sure, i’ve had other relationships. They were not fully mine though. This time, it was different. He was mine all mine. No infidelity. No abuse. No manipulation. No straining. He was perfect and only mine. He wasn’t to share with anybody. He had Aileen written under his boot. But if he was mine, why was he out of reach? 

Denial had officially become my friend. 

The first stage of grief hit me like a rocket launcher. I had been in denial since the first time he had ever mentioned army after high school. This was a decision brought to him by the generation before him, so I knew it would be hard getting this idea out of his head. 

Many people asked me, ‘why didn’t you say no?’

 I couldn’t. 

Could you imagine what the world would say if I said he told me I couldn’t go to college? Or if he told me I couldn’t write? Couldn’t pursue my career and determine my own future? I couldn’t dictate his life. It was not my future to determine. It was the matter of- am I apart of his plan? If I weren’t, the story would be different.

I couldn’t possibly tell the love of my life that he couldn’t do something because I said so. That would be immoral. It was his life. I had to put my heart aside. And although he would ask how I felt on the matter, I never once told him no. I made my jokes that were secret indiscretions but I never frowned on him for his bravery. 

By this time in our relationship, I knew I had no choice but to make my own decision. Am I going to stick with him through this? Or am I going to leave him and live a different life I never dreamed of? 

The answer was obvious. 

Why turn a light off if you can’t see without it? Something this special doesn’t happen in every lifetime and if it happened in mine, I had to keep it timeless. 

Once his senior year of high school was coming to a sad end, I knew it was time. He would mention the army here and there, lying to protect me by saying he was only thinking about it, but every time he’d say he was going to go, i’d just smile because I already knew. 

I felt hot springs puncture my heart each time the topic of his future was broached. At some point, I knew his decision before he even did. Once graduation hit and the summer heat came in a whirlwind, I heard the clock chime to make the most of the time we had left together. 

Going away parties were planned, dates were set up, pool ‘parties’ were thrown, jobs were picked and preparing was taking place. 

I stayed in denial. 

As we know, months turned into weeks, weeks turned into days, and days turned into hours. When this started happening faster than expected, I couldn’t get out of the denial stage. 

We had long, deep talks as we watched movies in his room, eating food and gouging on snacks. It was never uncommon for either of us to mention the sad reality of the news. He was leaving in weeks. It would no longer be months. 

We talked about what life would be like, what we would do, codes to encrypt in letters, and how deeply we’d miss each other. 

The day he left was the day I finally cried. 

I let everything out and he somehow managed to hold himself together. I had never admired someone so much for their bravery. I didn’t regret my decision, but I won’t lie and say I didn’t regret not telling him no. 

However, I never held a grudge against him for doing this. Bravery isn’t a characteristic that is meant to be frowned upon. I was proud of my decision and all I ever wanted was for him to be proud of his, that was all I needed to put temporary storage in empty spaces. 

I started my senior year as he started boot camp and we’ve looked out for each other along the way.  

I still find it sad that our youth was cut short by this experience though. The fun times we had when we were young will always remain cherished in our hearts. I prepared for this journey as much as I could and if I could tell that girl who was so scared one year ago today, i’d tell her it was all worth it one year later. 

She would be happy to hear we were still together. We were still happy. The love was still very much alive.

She would have a heart attack if she found out I actually got on a plane to go see him by myself also.

Then she’d really know how worth it this entire process was. 

I plan on writing more about this process and delve into more detail on how it really started to get serious. I’ll answer every question ever asked about the military and the relationship process of accepting this prophecy. I will answer every question for any love sick girl or boy out there worried about the same things I was worried about a year ago.

If you are going through this scary process, you are not alone and it is normal to feel worried. All you need to do is ask yourself is, ‘is this person truly worth waiting for?’

Your answers get you farther than others.

– A